Cell Phoney Cost

There are many reasons why I'm not rich. Firstly, I give away all my great ideas for free. Secondly, I falsely think that all my ideas are great and wealth-worthy. [3rd to 78th reasons deleted] Anyway, here's my latest genius-y idea regarding cell phones:


Okay, here are some BASIC FACTS that you'll need:

1) Cell phones are a great idea.
2) Texting is a great idea.
3) Cell phone companies are either: colluding to screw you, or they don't want to truly win the cell phone war.
4) Talking costs them a lot, but isn't charged out as a lot.
5) Texting costs them a pittance, but is charged out at an obscene profit.


All cell phone companies basically have the same plan of charging what the sheep (mainly texters) will bear, while offering a combo of area coverage, data storage, phone calls, internet, and texting. It's not exactly an essential service, so charge whatever. What I'd like to see is a Bill Gates or a Richard Branson get involved. You know, someone who REALLY wants to win and will take risks and think outside the box to do it. "But Paul," you say, "they're gosh darn doing their best...they've cut staff, made more commercials with ambiguous graphics and animals, and made a cell phone an apparent necessity." True, but follow me to the next paragraph anyway...


Here's the deal: Back up in point 2, I said that texting is a great idea. It is - it's a quickie communication that can be non-invasive and efficient. It's mostly irrationally used though, and that's why you pay through the nose for it, but that's a different rant. A maximum of 160 bytes of data, delivered with low priority, should be the cheapest thing in the world of cell telephony. Indeed it is - about 0.3 cents/message - for the cell phone companies anyway.

[geek]
The message is actually piggybacked onto the info going down the lines that the cell towers need to communicate with each other - that's why it's a max of 160 characters. Clever, and virtually free.
[/geek]

That's in the vicinity of a 6000% profit margin!!! That's cool. Attaboy/attagirl, Go Go Gadget Profit, etc. But what if you're a company and want to WIN the cell phone wars - or at least deal a body-blow, grab a huge chunk of market share, get famous/infamous, and force everyone to follow your lead? Then follow my plan:

i) Offer a price that starts off on the higher end.
ii) Force people to buy their phones through you.
iii) Offer DISCOUNTS FOR TEXTING!!!
iv) Advertise/market your plan with things like:
- "Those other guys are screwing you big time - here's how." I'll let you picture how to integrate your cell phone marketing animals into the screwing-you portion. You sicko.
- Use meaningless, jingoistic, emotional phrases like: "Right To Text", "Freedom To Text", "Liberty Texting", etc.
- Use those TV commercial cheque-cashing bimbos and himbos to introduce idiotic phrases ("It's like 3 bucks on a hun") into the cell phone lexicon. You know, something like: "They're PAYING ME to text my friends!" or "Texting bought me this beer!"
- Offer to have a portion of your Text Savings go to charity.


Here's why this would work:

- People would FEEL like they're smarter, dealing with your honest product.
- People WOULD be smarter, saving money by dealing with your honest product.
- You'd appeal to peoples' IRRATIONAL behaviour.
- You'd appeal to peoples' RATIONAL behaviour.
- You'd appeal to peoples' GIVING nature.
- Money would go to CHARITY.
- People would text more, thus wearing out the phones that you fix/repair for them at a cost - making you more MONEY.
- Your COSTS would go down, as people would use expensive-to-deliver talking less, and cheap-to-deliver texting more.


All I ask from you, the budding or established cell phone company, is that you offer me one or more of the following:

- CASH.
- An ongoing PERCENTAGE of your [new profit - old profit].
- A one-time or ongoing influx of money into a CHARITY of my/your/our choosing.
- Just a touch of CREDIT somewhere...even on Wikipedia.
- An honorary DOCTORATE in Business Communications.
- A KNIGHTHOOD or lordship.


Now I'll leave it up to you Mr/Mrs Rogers, Telus, Virgin, Koodo, etc.


Thank you,

Lord Sir Paul of Edmonton, PhD
Naive Business Guy

Why Women Don't Like Star Trek

I'll just cut through all the crap about a man's hunter/explorer psyche vs a woman's nurturing/nesting psyche - it's because there's no hot men in it. Let's face it - what Star Trek eye candy can a hoochie-momma use to get her hot on?

• James Kirk -- A bit of a bad boy with all his philandering and scrapping. Close, but no cigar.


• William Riker -- Too sanitized and too moral. Not close.


• Jeffrey Archer -- Super-nice guy who finishes last. Oh boy.


• Jean-Luc Picard -- In the running because of his voice. If you'd nail an older Sean Connery, you'd nail Picard. But still, not enough arm-candy chick appeal.


• Benjamin Sisko -- Again with the voice and cool all-year tan, but not pretty enough.

So who does that leave? Who's pretty enough to draw in the panty-throwing crowd? Well, there was one...


Christopher Pike
(pic from memory-beta.wikia.com)

Played by pretty-boy Jeffrey Hunter, he was the original captain of the USS Enterprise. So, with a chance to appeal to a broad (hee hee) spectrum of people, what did they do? They destined Star Trek to be a sausage-fest by burning his face, sticking him in a box on wheels, and kicking him to the curb. Similar to what just happened to Conan O'Brien - except for less money and to a guy with more XX chromosomal screaming-thigh-sweats appeal. No wait, Pike actually now lives on Talos IV - a planet where he can, with help from the Talosians, appear young and handsome and mobile for the rest of his years. He's super-happy there! Yeah, and your dad *really* did take your dog to a farm where it can run free and chase rabbits and squirrels for the rest of its life.

The bonuses would've been:

• Star Trek Conventions would've been attended by hot, randy babes.


• You could've worn your Star Trek outfit to school without it being ripped (yes, like in Amok Time).


• Jeffrey Hunter died in 1969 - he would've left a sexy, James Dean-ish legacy for the Trekkies, Trekkers, Trekesses, and Trekettes.

So, 43 years of virginal male castranitude, and they finally put hotties in a Star Trek movie. And they ruined the name...just like you'd always suspected. No wait, they didn't - everyone liked it. And it made about as much money as the next three Star Trek movies combined. Hmmm, a lesson there perhaps?

But wait, you kind of liked the obscurity of being a major Trekker - you're glad that the series played out like it did and you wouldn't change a single thing. Sure, you say that now, but just think...43 years of women NOT saying "Star Track". Thank you, you stand corrected.

Toodles,
Paul