Double Double

If one is good, then doubling or having two must be better - or so goes conventional wisdom. But is this actually true? The result of my exhaustive, in-depth research is below:


Gobble -- Bad, if someone sees you eating like this.
Gobble Gobble -- Good, if you're a turkey.

20 -- A good blackjack hand to 'stand' on, but a bad IQ.
20/20 -- Good for vision; good for a newsmagazine TV show.

30 -- No big deal for a guy, but one of several traumatic ages for a gal.
30/30 -- A decent Winchester rifle; a very good season for a baseball batter (30 HR's, 30 stolen bases).

40 -- A lot of hard liquor or malt beer.
40/40 -- An elite baseball batter's season. Only four have done it, and only ONE of those hasn't been officially linked to steroids.

50 -- A rapper. I'm not a fan, although some are.
50/50 -- A good little lottery at a sporting event.
50/50 -- An excellent batting percentage, sucky field goal kicker's average, and an atrocious goals-against average (except for a soccer goalkeeper on penalty shots).

So -- Bad. Your teenage daughter is copping an attitude.
So-So -- Meh.

No -- Nancy Reagan's contribution to drug education.
No-No -- Normally it's a bad thing to be doing, but it's a great thing to be doing if you're a baseball pitcher (no hitter).

Hit -- A decent at-bat in baseball or cricket.
Hit a Double -- A good at-bat, but a great date with one of those Wrigley's Gum girls.

Burger -- Good.
Double Bacon Cheeseburger -- Great.

Play -- Good freewheeling fun; live theatre.
Double Play -- Good teamwork on the diamond.
Hit into a Double Play -- Would've been better to just strike out.

Stunt -- A bad thing that you did on your bike, or convinced your little brother to do; BNL's most successful album.
Stunt Double -- Good for not getting your face smashed in while filming a movie.

Ganger -- A bad choice in the 'hood.
Doppelganger -- Good, if he's well-behaved. Bad, if he's a guy who forgets to call back the ladies.

Tu -- Bad, if you're Caesar and it's March 15.
Tutu -- Good, if you're a ballerina. Bad, if you're a male ballet dude.
Jacob Two-Two -- Anyone who fights The Hooded Fang is good.

Yo -- Bad. I believe that only whiggers use this term.
Yo-Yo -- I'm not sure about the original hunting yoyos, but the toy is okay. It's also a good way to get your rapper homies to listen the f**k up.

Sex -- If you have to ask...
Sex with Twins -- Good if they're sexy, but bad if they're the Minnesota Twins.

Drinking -- Good.
Drinking Doubles -- Less good fast.

Seeing -- Seeing is both believing, and good.
Seeing Double -- Bad.

Bogey -- A poorly-played hole in golf.
Double Bogey -- A worsely-played hole in golf, but a good film night.

Yeah -- Good. An attentive or agreeable answer.
Yeah Yeah -- Bad. You're getting lipped off.

Double -- A nice coffee order from Tim Horton's.
Double Double -- A fantastic coffee order from Tim Horton's - unless you're lactose intolerant or diabetic.

Pneumonia/Hernia/Amputee -- Bad.
Double Pneumonia/Hernia/Amputee -- Worse, unless you're obsessive-compulsive about symmetry.

Win -- Good. Yay, we won!
Win-Win Scenario -- An annoying middle-management phrase, but a good thing to have happen to you and someone you like.

D Cup -- Mmmmm, saucy.
DD Cup -- Downright insouciant.

Blind -- Bad.
Double Blind -- Good. A key scientific testing method.

Jar -- A good container for your stuff, especially when nailed to the ceiling of your workshop.
Jar Jar Binks -- A horrible joke perpetrated by George Lucas in Star Wars: The Phantom Mentace. Relax, there's relief.

Tar -- Great, if you're needing to seal a roadway, roof, or get messed up quick.
Steak Tartar -- Raw beef or horsemeat...your call.
Tar Tar Sauce -- Again, goes to taste.

Dubble -- A fair-trade chocolate bar in the UK; I'll assume it's good.
Dubble Bubble -- is a decent old-school gum.

Tut -- Good. THE young mac-daddy king of the ancient Egyptians.
Tut Tut -- Bad. An English librarian is cross with you.

McTwist 1260 -- A good, but not specular, snowboard stunt.
Double McTwist 1260 -- Good, if you're the ONE guy in the world who can do it, and consequently win an Olympic gold medal in snowboarding.

Oreos -- A good, sensible amount of desserty snack.
Double Stuff Oreos -- If tipping points leading to obesity and class 1 diabetes are bad, then this be bad.

Co -- Good, if you're a co-winner of a lottery. Bad, if you're a co-defendant.
Coco -- Good, if you're a fan of Grant Fuhr or Conan O'Brien.

Jeopardy -- Being in jeopardy is bad.
Double Jeopardy -- Good. It protects you from being tried twice for the same thing. Plus, all dollar values are doubled.

Chitty Bang -- Bad. Engrish for Citibank.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang -- A double double film name, and one of the easiest titles to pornify (Did you change the "C" or the "H"? Either way, you're sick). A wonderful old non-Disney kid's movie with Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews - except that it wasn't Julie Andrews, it was Sally Ann Howes.


So, my conclusion is that I just put together a bunch of barely-related words in a Demetri Martin-esque manner and called it a blog. And not even a blog blog.

The Old Evil-Eye

I find it annoying when some 'friend' hate-spams me and I feel that I have to Reply to All to defend sanity and reasoned thought. I'm pining for the good old days when I only got spammed about saving a child from leukemia by forwarding an email...because Bill Gates is testing an email-tracking device and will pay for my help. Now all I seem to get is idiotic, thinly-veiled (if at all), right-wing, racist diatribes that hope for conformity and lack of thinking. At least this one wasn't about President Obama.

Following is an email to which I replied. My response was a tad long and sharp, so following that email is my edited reply that I sent to the Edmonton Journal. I have no idea if they'll run it - but it felt good writing it.

Their email:

Congratulations to our fellow Canadians in Quebec who had the courage and conviction to exhibit their common sense in officially banning the hijab for certain transactions where identity is mandatory .... It's a start. It's a privilege to be allowed to immigrate and to live in this country....not a right. When this hit the e-news a few weeks ago, there was overwhelming support by the readers who AGREED with Quebec's action.

The letter below says it all...keep it going.

A Letter to the Editor (excellent letter)

So many letter writers have explained how this land is made up of immigrants. Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people why today's Canadian is not willing to accept the new kind of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to Canada, people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in Halifax and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground.

They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new Canadian households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home. They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture.

Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labour laws to protect them. All they had were the skills, craftsmanship and desire they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out.Canadians fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany, Italy, France, Japan, Czechoslovakia, Russia, Sweden, Poland and so many other places. None of these first generation Canadians ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Canadians fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan.

They were defending the Freedom as one people. When we liberated France, no one in those villages was looking for the Ukrainian-Canadian or the German-Canadian or the Irish-Canadian.The people of France saw only Canadians. And we carried one flag that represented our country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here.
These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be a Canadian. They stirred the melting pot into one red and white bowl.

And here we are in 2009 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes a Canadian passport and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being a Canadian is all about. Canadians have been very open- hearted and open-minded regarding immigrants, whether they were fleeing poverty, dictatorship, persecution, or whatever else makes us think of those aforementioned immigrants who truly did ADOPT our country, and our flag and our morals and our customs, and left their wars, hatred, and divisions behind.

I believe that the immigrants who landed in Canada in the early 1900s deserve better than that for the toil, hard work and sacrifice those legally searching for a better life. I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags, fighting foreign battles on our soil, making Canadians change to suit their religions and cultures, and wanting to change our countries fabric by claiming discrimination when we do not give in to their demands.

Its about time we get real and stand up for our forefathers rights, we are CANADIAN Lest we forget it I am a Native of this Country & proud of it!
NO MORE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
NO MORE not saying CHRISTMAS in stores and our schools!
I Want my Canada of birth BACK

P.S. -- Please pass this on to everyone you know!!!

KEEP THIS LETTER MOVING!!

Hope this letter is read by millions of people all across Canada!!

My letter:

You’re going to get an email. It’s an excellent email – it’ll even tell you so. You’re supposed to forward it all around. It’ll be congratulating our fellow Canadians in Quebec for the poll that takes away the right of Muslim women to wear certain religious garb where identification is needed. This email will talk of conviction, courage, rights, immigration, and the good old days of the Canada of their birth. Glenn Beck of Fox News would be proud of this letter.

But this poll (and Bill 94) isn't about religious wear and freedom -- it's about fear of something different. Well…fear, racism, religious intolerance, and hatred – but they're connected. I’m going to mostly leave aside all the ‘We were never given anything’ rhetoric of the email, which seems to have forgotten about the free tracts of land given to anyone who agreed to homestead out west in order to out-populate the Americans and Native Indians. And, of course, other inconvenient truths like the Japanese-Canadian internment camps of WW2.

My letter is just to point out the crux of this issue: Muslim women haven’t actually objected to being identified!

Their objection is only to this one method. For them, being viewed by a person who is not their family is the equivalent of a western woman having to take off her underwear to be identified. These women could instead be fingerprinted, retinally scanned, DNA sampled, or have an imbedded microchip. All of these techniques are far superior to a tiny picture being checked by a questionably-trained person anyway. For fans of irony – if any of these techniques were used, then they'd actually be more positively identified and traceable than a non-Muslim.

After all, a picture is an outdated and questionably-accurate method of identification. Do you still look exactly like your ID -- same weight, hair colour, facial hair, tattoos, scars, etc? If not, prepare to have your vacation ruined by Customs. No makeup or concealer, ladies - that scar needs to be seen for identification purposes. And guys – be prepared to shave off your beard and mustache because they obscure your face. After all, you’ve said that only seeing your eyes isn’t good enough.

Robot or Cybernetic Organism Answers

"You are experiencing a car accident." -- NS-5, I, Robot

"I can feel them...but I can't remember them." -- Robocop, Robocop

"Nice night for a walk." -- The Terminator, The Terminator

"We wish to improve ourselves." -- The Borg, Star Trek

"A survivor...unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality." -- Ash, Alien

"Boy, have we got a vacation for you." -- Interviewer, Westworld

"I could beat you with two...no, three arms tied behind my back." -- General Grievous, Star Wars

"We are the superior beings." -- The Daleks, Dr Who

"Red means stop." -- Hellboy, Hellboy

"The final annihilation of the lifeform known as Man. Let the attack begin." -- Imperious Leader, Battlestar Galactica

I, Gobot

According to the TV channel Space; here are the top 10 robot or cybernetic organisms:


10 General Grievous -- Star Wars
9 NS-5 -- I, Robot
8 Ash -- Alien
7 Kroenen -- Hellboy
6 The Gunslinger -- Westworld
5 The Borg -- Star Trek
4 Robocop -- Robocop
3 The Daleks -- Doctor Who
2 The Cylons -- Battlestar Galactica
1 The Terminator -- The Terminator


I must say that I'm happy that The Terminator was ranked #1. Even though I hate the hackneyed paradoxical sci-fi premise of backwards time-travel - I love the first Terminator movie. That's how friggin' good it is. If they could combine The Terminator, The Shawshank Redemption, The Usual Suspects, and Casablanca - that'd only be the most awesome supercool movie of all time. Tentative last scene dialogue:

Rick: We'll always have Paris, Texas. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Shawshank. We got it back last night.
Ilsa: ...When I said I would never leave you.
Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too...[blah blah]...hill of beans...[blah blah]...Kaiser Soze's looking at you, kid.
Ilsa: Ah'll be baak.


Notable exceptions from the list:

• ED 209, Robocop -- possibly dropped because of inability to handle concrete stairs, or its name being associated with a certain flaccidity.
• Steve Austin, Six Million Dollar Man -- large lapels too goofy, yet not big enough to starch up into a Batman-style collar.
• Jamie Sommers, Bionic Woman -- would've added some feminine appeal to the list. As would any number of any gynoids, fembots, buffybots, terminatrixes, or sexy sexy 7of9 from Star Trek.


Also, they didn't mention if they were talking about the old cylons or the new cylons. Vaguery just isn't acceptable in something so important. I'm going to go with the old-school cylons because of their awesome voices.


Are you a true geek? Then you won't have any problems matching up these quotations with the above shows:

"You are experiencing a car accident."
"I can feel them...but I can't remember them."
"Nice night for a walk."
"We wish to improve ourselves."
"A survivor...unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality."
"Boy, have we got a vacation for you."
"I could beat you with two...no, three arms tied behind my back."
"We are the superior beings."
"Red means stop."
"The final annihilation of the lifeform known as Man. Let the attack begin."

ANSWERS

Whose Wine?

Have you ever been invited to Mr & Mrs Dullsville's and are fighting for a conversation starter? Fear no more:

• Wayne Gretzky Wine

No, I'm not kidding, it really exists. Now I'm no oenophile, and I've only tried the merlot, but it was actually pretty good. Obviously he's only lending his name to an existing product, but something like a dollar from every bottle goes towards buying sports equipment for disadvantaged kids. Kind of like that Right to Play program. If you're not Mr/Ms Fancy Wine Person, give it a shot. Mike Weir and Dan Ackroyd have similar product lines - although Ackroyd's appears to be about twice as expensive. Is it better - anyone?

If you're like me and are just going to buy wine based upon the time-honoured technique of the silliness of the animal on the label, why not support a bit of local/Canadian winesmanship and some worthy charities? If you're a brave accounting-type person, you could try writing it off as a charitable deduction. Keep your receipts. Tell me how that works for you - I believe there's internet access in jail.


Sign of the Apocalypse: Someone actually makes Hello Kitty wine.


But, is that the weirdest wine name?

• Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush
• Fairview Goats do Roam
• Clos di pise
• Fat Bastard / Fat Boy
• Bitch Bitch

• Cardinal Zin / 7 Deadly Zins
• Hooligans / Dudes
• Red Said Fred
• Barrel Monkey Shiraz
• Two Left Feet

• Big Yellow Cab
• Marilyn Merlot
• Bored Doe
• The Prisoner
• Ten Minutes by Tractor

• Boots, Pasties, Scanty Panties and Ten Gallon Hat
• The Ball Buster
• 47 Pound Rooster
• Chateau de Tourrettes


Best name has to be: Dead Arm Shiraz.


Certainly they are better names than Hello Kitty Wine, but they lack that Japanese creep factor of naming alcohol after a children's cartoon character. What if this gets out of hand and they start using other cartoons, comic book superheroes, TV characters, celebrities, or groups?


• Mel Pinot Blanc may sound funny, but you'd find it everywhere.
• Paul Reiser would be mad not to market a Paul Riesling.
• Feel like a broody superhero with some Pinot Dark Knight Noir.
• CSI fans would bug-out upon investigating a Pinot Grissom.
• Paul Sorvino and his fellas could market a good Paul Sauvignon.

• Imagine enjoying a full-bodied 1968 Brigitte Bordeaux.
• Mission Grape: Impossible...good for cruising.
• In the South, there must be a racy White Power Zinfandel.
• It might be cheap and tasteless, but you'd laugh like an idiot after some Dom Zinfandeluise.


My hair dresser's gay - some day I might just tip him with a box of Cherdonnay or a tart Cheraz.


Need something to go with it? Maybe some Hell's Angels-Hair Pasta.


Cheers!