People Who Don't Write Proper Blogs Suck

You know what sucks? When someone just throws down a bunch of random stream-of-consciousness ideas and thinks that that makes them a writer. What a bunch of twits. 'Twitter' coincidence?



In classic logic, modus ponens is as follows:

Premise 1 -- If P, then Q
Premise 2 -- P
Conclusion -- Therefore, Q

for example:

Premise1 -- Stream-of-consciousness blogs suck
Premise2 -- This is a stream-of-consciousness blog
Conclusion -- This blog sucks


People who reference their own blogs suck. No-one hangs on their every word or cares 1% as much as they do...and they don't really care that much, if they were honest. It's like if I listed some of the actual Search Keywords that Google shows on the Stats link for my blog. For example:

naked girl
maudite
christopher pike
margot kidder bipolar
santa's face
bow ball rowing
sean connery untouchables
naked girl
fat naked girl
oj gloves
adventures in rainbow country
picture of double decker bus
tiger vs cat
cat vs tiger
star tattoo on hand of swedish imagrent from the 1900
"john cleese" "silly walks"
cleanup on aisle 2 meaning
naked by a campfire
naked girl with toaster
don't like star trek
naked little girl
animals on boats
honey-soaked naked girls
pin-hole viewer sun
poo flinging monkey
sexy girls with no makeup
charlie brown throwing paper



Using a modicum of cleverity, cleverance, or fake words that should be words won't save a blog.








In dealing with phone solicitors:

Don't: just hang up.

Don't: hit whatever button they tell you to to get off their list - that just tells them that you're a live person. You'll be on tons of lists if you do.

Don't: threaten to blast a whistle into the phone, they'll just forward your number to someone in their office to see them get blasted.

Do: sign up for the "Do Not Call" list.

Do: waste their time. At the very least, for automated messages, leave the phone off the hook until they hang up. They either want a hit or a quick miss. If you don't make it a waste of their time to call you, then they'll continue to call you. And they'll sell their list to others.



They've now finished the 23 Ave overpass on the QE2. I miss the view of downtown from the top of it, so I might have to occasionally take that offramp. Also, I was impressed how little traffic disruption was caused by all that construction. Attaboy/girl construction people and Edmonton City.








This summer, I both jack-hammered part of my concrete basement floor for a sump pit, and went to a shooting range and shot handguns. I conclude that a 44 Magnum is essentially just a cordless jackhammer.


If you're a crow, then you just pick garbage and ruin crops.

If you're a raven, then you scavenge, are mysterious, Edgar Allan Poe writes a famous poem about you, and they name an NFL team after you (Baltimore Ravens).








Big Sugar's song "Heaven in Alberta" has the lyrics:

"I have lost my way
But I hear a tale
About a Heaven in Alberta
Where they've got all Hell for a basement"

That last line refers to Rudyard Kipling stating that Medicine Hat had "all Hell for a basement" because of their huge natural gas reserves.



You know what you don't hear anymore? People referring to something "hitting like a Mack truck." Now you're more likely to hear a generic semi reference, or a bit of obscure colour like Kenworth or even Peterbuilt. They still make Mack trucks. They have little bulldog dealies on the grill.



When I take my neighbours' dog Sophie for a walk, I sometimes end up going through a series of names for her. It starts with Sophie, then maybe Sophocles, then monocle, manacle, Manimal, etc. She doesn't seem to mind, although does look at me quizzically. Sometimes I call her Ranger, because it was Radar O'Reilly's dog's name. Sometimes when she pops out of her dog-door, it rhymes into Trogdor the Burninator. It's a character made up by Strong Bad in Homestar Runner. This homonymic explanation seems lost on her. I'm glad that her name isn't some purse-dog name like Lord Fontelroy, as I could never yell that when she's chasing a rabbit.



When I BBQ, which is near Sophie's doghouse, I have to promise to try to be sloppy with my food and give her anything that falls on the ground or through the grill. We accept the premise and terms, and enjoy competing for the nourishment. I had to explain to her about how onions are bad for dogs though, and thus are exempt from the challenge.



I like the story of the spammer who got huge quantities of actual junk mail sent to his house by a ticked-off spamee. He had some laughably ironic quote about being frustrated by not being able to find his real mail in with all the junk. There was also a spammer who killed himself after being outed about spamming. That's kind of a shame, because he was probably smart and driven enough if he applied himself to something useful, but I won't lose any sleep over it.



If I wrote a computer virus, I'd just make it insert small, random, occasional spelling errors. This would be insidious to anal-retentive people like me.



As a kid, I liked the smell of gasoline when the car was being filled on a warm day. I don't anymore - I wonder if it's because they took the lead out.








At my new job, word got out that I was pretty good with the spreadsheets. A guy eventually quietly sidled up to me like in the scene in the yard in The Shawshank Redemption. He said that he'd heard that I knew how to get things done. I'm kicking myself for not saying "I'm known to locate certain things in Excel from time to time."

And to Think That I Saw It on Whyte Avenue Street

You're going to The Fringe, eh? Good stuff. Lots of characters and zaniness and goings-on. But hey, if you go to Whyte when the Fringe isn't on, you'll see some interesting stuff too. This is a compilation of things that I've seen in a few Saturday afternoons by that gazebo on 83 Ave near the Farmers' Market. If you're a Dr Seuss fan, then you might like that this is to the cadence of And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street. If you're a purist, you'll hate it.






I sat by the gazebo in old S'cona Town
I sat quietly there with nary a frown,
I looked and I smiled and smiled as I looked
And sometimes even dipped right into my book.

There were vendors of hot dogs, popcorn and art
And inside the bus barns, some freshly-baked tart,
You'll see a man playing, a guitar and a lute
And from inside come women, bearing fresh fruit.






There's guys playing footbag (or is it called hack?)
Yes that's what it is - they play with a sack,
And a guy with MS, collecting cans on his scooter
He's dying yet happy, being an anti-polluter,
There's beggars in groups of all different sizes
Asking for change and hoping for prizes.

There's even a guy, who ties a huge rope
And walks on it by, the guys who smoke dope
He looks like a Buddhist with his haircut, you see
And I think that he walks, on his rope to feel free.






There's a large wagon pulled, by two great big horses
(Is it always the same, or on two different courses?)
I never follow them, though some day I will
That is if they don't, go up a steep hill.

So that's what I saw, when I sat and just watched
And then wrote this thing (whose rhyme scheme I botched),
No zebras, no Rajahs, no charioteers
Just a guy with a shopping cart, and too many beers.

Fathers Day Memory

My dad once landed a seagull with a fishing rod.



On Vancouver Island, we kids had a small fish on a fishhook and were casting it out and reeling it in with a fishing rod to tease the seagulls as they dived at it. Then dad took a turn and cast it way further than we did. When he jerked the rod to keep the fish from the gulls, the hook snagged on one of their legs.



That was quite a site - a panicky seagull flying, but getting reeled in by a fishing rod. I was supposed to help hold the seagull while Dad removed the hook - but I was too small and/or scared. Dad managed to reel it close, get the wings under control, and remove the hook.



Right after that a hundred seagulls flew over and evacuated their bowels. Really whitewashed that wharf too - total fluke that no-one got hit. Years later I read that that's a typical response from birds to distress to one of their members, and I could immediately confirm it with empirical evidence. I guess each Dad teaches his kids about biology in his own way.

My Assistant Didn't Update My Blog

What a ripoff - I thought this blog was being updated automatically with my Tintin-esque adventures. I guess I'll have to do it myself until I can get restaffed. I'll use the time-honoured way to blog without actually needing mad writing skillz. Yes, it's another pot pourri o' ideas that I'd otherwise likely never expound upon.



• The majority of Richard Cheese's lounge versions of songs are better than the original. It's funny to recognize the words when I've heard Cheese's version first.






• My brother Mike and I went to a Steven Wright(?) concert at the Winspear. We were holding a ticket for someone who might not make it. When it was past the time when he would've shown up, we went to sell his ticket. Mike's jacket was unzipped, and he kept his hands in the pockets of his jacket, which made him look like those old-time movie gangsters when he gestured. He approached a big guy who was waiting around looking like he wanted tickets to the sold-out show:

Mike: Hey, you looking for tickets? [gesture]
Big Guy: You got a situation?

Perfect delivery. That was so cool, so quick. I still smile and laugh spontaneously thinking about it/him/them. I wonder what that guy's doing.



• Someone should do a porn-comedy where guys at a bachelor party inadvertantly calls a clown agency instead of a stripper/escort agency. The gal-clown needs the money for college and doesn't want to waste the trip over, or whatever cheesy plot they always have, so she ends up on her knees in front of a guy. Her nose beeps every time...well, you get the idea.








• Let's say your dog was Cerberus, the three-headed dog guarding Hades. How would you reward the good head without encouraging the ill behaviour of the bad heads? I guess it'd have to be petting and not food. Well, I suppose only the good head would taste the treat, but the others would get the benefit of the nutrition. Hmmm. Also, does the middle head act like the middle child? Does it crave attention? Would it be the one wearing a zany toque even though it's as hot as Hell?




• Like my dad, I now have jars attached to the overhead floor joists in my basement workshop. I don't have them organized or filled yet. I was thinking of something meta, like a giant jar to hold smaller jars. I wonder about the biggest and smallest jars that I should have. Maybe one of those Costco-sized jars of 50 pickled eggs would be cool. I kept one of those tiny screw-on lip balm containers for the other extreme.



• The song "Mrs Robinson" was originally named "Mrs Roosevelt", after Eleanor Roosevelt. It was changed because it was first used for the movie "The Graduate". That's why it still has a reference to Joe Dimaggio; Paul Simon was writing about Roosevelt and Dimaggio as humble heroes.



• My friend Joe and I were having a few ghetto-beers in his garage. We had bottles, but needed an opener. Being a dude, Joe picked up the nearest workable opener: a plastic brake fluid container. Joe was opening his beer with his back to me when the cap to the brake fluid flew off. All I could see was red fluid spraying all over the place. Holy cripes did I freak out for a few seconds. It took me a while to realize that Joe wasn't in shock or doing a stunningly authentic impression of the Black Knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."







• If someone starts mouthing off about primatologists and you want to really sound like you know what you're talking about, look bored when Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall get brought up. Then throw in the name Birutė Galdikas.

They were all part of the so-called Leakey's Angels, a group of three prominent researchers on primates (Fossey on Gorillas; Goodall on Chimpanzees; and Galdikas on Orangutans) sent by archaeologist Louis Leakey to study great apes in their natural environments.

Bonus 1: Galdikas is Canadian.
Bonus 2: Sounds like Gul Dukat, badass Cardassian in Star Trek: DS9
Bummer: Cardassian sounds like pinhead reality-show clan Kardashian.



• I like videos of dogs doing interesting things (cats too, but only if it's crazy spectacular). There's the dog attacking the small shark, the dog fighting off a bull, and a dog saving another dog on a freeway. That last one really choked me up for some reason. I remember that freeway being crazy busy.






• Uber "Jeopardy" champ and loveable Mormon nerd Ken Jennings on answering a clue about a nonstandard form of American English characteristically spoken by African-Americans in the United States:

What be Ebonics?



• Ultimate Torch and Twanchor: I like that Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. She's calm and professional, as opposed to the self-aggrandizing, constant-heightened-scare-tactic Wolf Blitzer et al on CNN. Or, of course, the clowns at Faux/Sun News. I'm not the biggest fan of her kd lang haircut, but I guess it works for her. Maybe I should mute the Faux/Sun News hottie-bimbos and have Maddow do the voiceover. Come to think of it, there's that PBS hottie who's just that kind of combo...



• Tissues and toilet paper are made differently. If you're going to throw it down the toilet, use toilet paper. Tissues aren't made to break down to avoid clogging sewer pipes.



• Sign on Roadrunner Pizza near my house:

1 topping 12' pizza $7.99

Zounds, a 12 foot diameter pizza for under 8 bucks...I'm buying! Might get killed on extra toppings.






• You know those giant Easter Island statue heads? They're called Moai - and they're not just heads, they have bodies too. The statues had just sunk or had dirt built up around them. To be fair, the head:body ratio still isn't anthropomorphically accurate.

The other thing about them is that, although they're lined up around the island near the ocean, most of them point inwards, not outwards. Drawings always get it backwards.



• On the way to work at the same time every day, I make up little backstories and dialogues for the people I always see:

- Hey, funny-walking gal, you're running a little behind schedule this morning.

- That guy standing like a flamingo at the bus-stop is a self-made expert on kinesiology and shoe efficiency...but not hip problems.

- I'm glad to see the older gal and the younger gal chatting at the bus-stop - I'll bet they say: We should get together for coffee - they but never do.

- Sometimes I see peoples' gestures and it kills me not to know what they're talking about. One day I've just got to stop and ask...







• Whenever I carry something in a plastic bag between the garage and house, I walk very carefully, lest I alert Sophie. Sophie is the dog next door. If she hears me, I'll have to pet her for minutes and minutes and try to get through to her that I'm not hoarding dogfood or having anything to do with other dogs.



• The neighbour-gal across the alley does hula-hooping to music on nice days. That's so totally not something I would do, yet it works on her. Look for it to be the next big exercise craze.

Waste your Vote in Style

Well, it's finally actually spring. After a long winter with the crazy amount of snow finally melting, there are now lots of turds visible...

Which brings us to the election. For the first time ever, I really don't see a leader to vote for. Harper is the conniving second coming of GWB, Ignatieff is an inept campaigner who doesn't give a rat's ass, and Layton is scared to death of actually being in power, although he seems the most honest. Likely I'll vote NDP for the second time ever because of Linda Duncan running in my area. I kind of like being the sole pocket of leftist rebellion in a Conservative Alberta.

I don't want to waste my vote, but obviously a lot of people have given that idea lots of thought. Especially those wacky my-big-fancy-wedding Brits. Or maybe they just update Wiki more thoroughly. Here are political parties who have a less serious party line:




[Wikipedia]


Australia
Deadly Serious Party
Imperial British Conservative Party
Sun Ripened Warm Tomato Part
Party! Party! Party!
Surprise Party

Austria–Hungary
PFGFIDSDG Partei für gemäßigten Fortschritt in den Schranken der Gesetze (Party for Moderate Progress Within the Bounds Of the Law)

Belarus
Beer Lovers Party (liquidated in 1998)

Canada
Absolutely Absurd Party
Canadian Extreme Wrestling Party
Christian-Atheist Party of Canada
Prince Edward Island Draft Beer Party
Parti Citron (Lemon Party)
The Party Party
Rhinoceros Party

Denmark
Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements
Nihilist People's Party

Estonia
Royalist Party of Estonia

Faroe Islands
Hin Stuttligi Flokkurin‎ (The Funny Party)

Finland
True Finns

Germany
Die PARTEI (The Party; Party for Labour, Rule of Law, Protection of Animals, Promotion of Elites and Grassroot-Democratic Initiative)
APPD Anarchist Pogo Party of Germany

Hungary
Double-tailed Dog Party

Iceland
Besti flokkurinn
Framboðsflokkurinn

Israel
Pikanti (a food manufacturer that contested the 1992 election as an advertising gimmick)

Italy
Fronte dell'Uomo Qualunque (Ordinary Man's Front)
Partito dell'Amore (Love Party)

New Zealand
Bill and Ben Party
Imperial British Conservative Party
McGillicuddy Serious Party

Netherlands
Party of the Future

Norway
Beer Unity Party
The Political Party

Poland
Orange Alternative
Polish Beer-Lovers' Party (defunct after winning 16 seats in 1991)

Russia
Beer Lovers Party

Slovakia
Paliho Kapurková, Cheerful Political Party

Spain
Partido del Karma Democrático, PKD ("Party of the Democratic Karma")

Sweden
Donald Duck Party

Ukraine
Ukrainian Beer Lovers Party

United Kingdom
Adam Lyal's Witchery Tour Party
Church of the Militant Elvis Party
Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality
Death, Dungeons and Taxes Party
Dog Lovers Party
Fancy Dress Party
Glow Bowling Party
Hardcore: You Know the Score party
I Want to Drop a Blancmange Down Terry Wogan's Y-Fronts Party
Mongolian Barbecue Great Place to Party
New Millennium Bean Party
Miss Great Britain Party (candidates are mostly women who have entered the Miss Great Britain beauty contest)
Official Monster Raving Loony Party
Raving Loony Green Giant Party
Rock 'n' Roll Loony Party
Scottish Jacobite Party
Teddy Bear Alliance

United States
Guns and Dope Party
Mickey Mouse as an independent write-in candidate
OWL Party
Straight Talking American Government Party (STAG)
Surprise Party
The Rent Is Too Damn High Party


Unsurprisingly, beer is well represented.

Total Eclipse, But Not of the Heart

Woohoo, it's astro-trivia time!

Everyone should remember that a solar eclipse is where the Moon hides our view of the Sun, and a lunar eclipse is where the shadow of the Earth hides the Moon. If not, shame on you. But hey, maybe you can redeem your astronomy geek status here...


Q) What's the PROPER (not common) name for the eclipse where the Sun blocks our view of the Moon?




Hint: It's named after discoverer B. A. Diem*. C'mon, fondle that brain and pull up the answer...


Ooo ooo ooo, it's the Bose-Einstein Condensation thing. No, the Euler–Mascheroni Constant. I meant the Michelson-Morley Experiment. Something hyphenated anyway...how about the Justin-Bieber-Avril-Lavigne formulation?


Beeeeeeeeep. Time's up.


A) It's called a Balatro-Avril Eclipse. I know, *now* it sounds familiar. Well if that was good enough, then I'd rule Jeopardy. But since I haven't yet seen a cheque from Alex Trebek, that 'sounds familiar' answer won't do. Sorry.


You astronomy buffs should know that there's one happening starting early Friday morning (already Saturday in Australia). Because we're nearing the end of a Waning Crescent Moon, the best viewing in North America will be from approximately dawn to near noon. After that, the Moon will be out from behind the Sun and will be completely visible again. The good news is that you can put away those pinhole viewers that Bill Nye the Science Guy showed you how to make out of cardboard and tinfoil:




And while you're at it, you don't need to pull out that welding mask that you stole from work or those goofy sunglasses that aren't dark enough for viewing the sun anyway:



Why? Because unlike a solar eclipse, no special glasses or viewing techniques are needed, the Sun's rays are going away from Earth. To be totally safe though, only look at the Moon and not the Sun. All you have to do is be up early enough to get a good clear view, and to be away from buildings and trees that'll ruin the show. It's probably not a good idea to stand in the middle of a street looking up though...just saying.


Now you can impress/bore your friends at work with your newfound knowledge. Enjoy your celestial gazing.




* [wikipedia.com for Balatro A. Diem]



Balatro Avril Diem (1473 – 1543) was a Renaissance Man and the first person to formulate a comprehensive lunar cosmetology. His epochal book, De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium is often regarded as the starting point of modern astrology and the defining epiphany that began the homeopathic revolution.

Among the great polymaths of the Renaissance, Diem was a mountebank, astrologer, physician, quadrilingual polyglot, classical scholar, translator, artist, Catholic cleric, jurist, governor, military leader, diplomat and charlatan.

If I had Twitter, I tell you what I'd do...

I don't tweet, but maybe I will some day. It turns out, so might my mum. She was asking about a Twitter account because the media was talking about how it was changing regimes and politics and society and all that. Maybe Mum will organize a flash-mob to bake some brownies, or to sweep up all that annoying sand around the Sphinx while those people are protesting in Egypt. It's not always about revolution - sometimes it's about grit in your shoes.


If I tweet, then I'll be able to get rid of my backlog of ideas too small to be blogs. Or maybe I could just blog smaller. I didn't check for the max 140 character thing, but I'll include some hashtags anyway so I can port them directly into my future Twitter account:





• My neighbours' dog Sophie always wants me to take her to run around and maybe chase pointlessly an inanimate object. She's so simple, easily amused, and fooled by fake throws. She just doesn't understand that I have important complex human things to do - like play football. #dogs #sports #pointless

• Butterflies are crappy fliers. They're barely able to keep aloft or flying in the right direction. So random. Hey look, two are doing exactly the same pattern. Ahhhh, bird avoidance. #butterfly #evolution

• If you argue for karma, OJ finally getting thrown in jail for life sure helps your case. #OJ #karma





• I used to watch the Old Faithful webcam and make up nicknames and back-stories for the people: Dude-with-Dog, White-Shorts-Gal, Guy-not-Looking, Bored-Kid, Guy-Who-Just-Missed-it-but-Who's-Going-to-Wait-for-an-Hour, Fighting-Couple, etc. #oldfaithful #webcam

• Speaking of geysers, I laughed like a drain when Mum and Dad pronounced it geezer. #geyser #british #pronunciation #funny

• Technically, I should like those reality 'Idol' shows because the politics is removed and it's just a fair competition. Maybe it's because they put politics and gamesmanship back in with internet voting and such. #idol #realitytv #sucks





• The only time I went to the horse races, despite my dad and brothers and me all being analytical sciencey dudes, the only one who came out ahead was Mum. She bet on things like: "That jockey has a degree from the UofA" and "That horse has nice white feet." #horseracing #betting #n00b

• Soccer City, South Africa. The only city in the world named after the game and they chose Soccer, not Football. Now stop calling it Football and leave that to the proper North American kind. #football #soccer #sayitright

• When I was walking upstairs, a weird knob fell onto the dryer behind me. There's nothing above the dryer except floor joists. It came from nowhere. Creepy. #ironcladproof #ghosts





• A girl's definition of last-minute shopping is so far off of a guy's definition that they should not be jointly discussed. #girlsvsguys #shopping

• Fact: The Windsors (British royalty) were named after Windsor Castle, not vice versa. #royalty #windsors #windsorcastle

• Fact: Hitler grew his mustache as a tribute to Charlie Chaplin. #tribute #hitler #chaplin #geethanks





• I pulled a knife off a plate and it went "Shingggggggg" - just like a sword from a scabbard in the movies or a video game. I tried and tried, but it was not reproduceable. #knife #sword #soundeffect #fail

• How fast do pregnancy tests really need to be? 10 days isn't fast enough - it has to be 5? Are you heavily into drugs or alcohol and will only stop when pregnant? Is the sex tiresome? #pregnancytestspeed #unnecessary

• In conjunction with sanding and salting roads, they should spray that airplane de-icing fluid from cropdusters. #solutionicyroads #genius



Okay, I'm all set...look for Mum and me on Twitter!

Adventures in Rainbow Country

Okay, so here's how it started: I was watching Hitchcock's "The Trouble with Harry" and the music sounded familiar. Whoever did the score for "The Forest Rangers", a 1960's Canadian TV series, blatantly ripped off Hitch's score. Don't believe me? Then you be the judge:

• Link to: The Forest Rangers theme.
• Link to: The Trouble with Harry score.

I say that we forget all this nonsense about the bundle of sticks reference in Dire Straits' song "Money for Nothing", and get on with this travesty of epic proportions.




But anyway, that then reminded me of "Adventures in Rainbow Country", which was another outdoorsy Canadian drama made at about the same time. I started searching the interweb tubes...


I don't remember much about the show. There was the opening scene where the boy is excitedly running through the woods, the boy's single mom and sister, people never smiling, and there was a dock for boats and planes. But just look at this synopsis/episode guide and tell me it wasn't edge-of-your-seat action:


[www.IMDB.com]
The inseparable pair experience an endless string of adventures, thwarting the designs of:

• Jewel thieves (Mystery at Whaleback Bay)
• Kidnappers (Pursuit Along the Aux Sables)
• Iron Curtain defectors (Stolen Tugboat)
• Airplane hijackers (Milk Run)
• The military (Wall of Silence)
• Petty larcenists (Roar of the Hornet)
• Witch doctors (The Return of Eli Rocque)
• The Devil himself (Lac du Diable)





But I digress. Look at what I dug up in the cast trivia, and how they are linked through Hollywood's seamy underbelly of aberrant sexual practices, messy divorces, drug addiction, mental instability, and suicide attempts - all the way back to little old Canadian "Adventures in Rainbow Country":


• The avid outdoorsMAN who loved ANIMALS, was played by Billy.

• Billy's hot mom Nancy was played by Lois Maxwell, who played Miss Moneypenny in a bazillion Bond films.



• In the 1966 movie "King Kong", Susan Bond was played by Susan Conway (Billy's sister Hannah).
Bonus: she played Kathy in "The Forest Rangers".

• In Bond film "Live and Let Die", Jane Seymour played Solitaire.

• Solitaire, in "GoBots: War of the Rock Lords", was played by Margot Kidder, who played Dr Rhodes in "Adventures in Rainbow Country".

• Margot Kidder has Bipolar Disorder.

• "The Polar Express" was composed by Alan Silvestri.

• Alan Silvestri composed the music for "MANIMAL."




OMG, HOW SUPER-CREEPY IS THAT SET OF LINKS???

To whom do I report this?




Next week in classic Canadian children's programming: Kidstuff!

Big Joe Muffraw, Johnny Chinook...
Never read about them in your history book...

Mulligans Not Named "Terry David"

Everyone needs heroes. The trouble is that heroes and events and projects turn out not to be perfect. And sometimes something doesn't have to be perfect, but there's still something sticking in your craw and you'd like it not to be there. Well, viola - welcome to Paul's Universe As I Remember It. In my little world, you're allowed a mulligan in every category and sub-category that's important to you.


For me, for instance, I choose to believe that the following things never happened:


• Jerry Rice never played for the Oakland Raiders.
He now only played for the San Francisco 49ers, and a bit of a warm-down with Seattle and Denver. There...now it's a perfect career. But I can also hold 2 opposing thoughts in my head at the same time ('cognitive dissonance', for you wordies), because I'm still counting his TD catch in the Super Bowl with the Raiders. The reason is that it makes him the only play to have caught a TD in 4 Superbowls. Jerry, Jerry!





• The movie "The Abyss" had a great ending.
It was totally in line with the gritty, realistic, fantastic first 7/8's of the movie. Something didn't "just happen" because the studio forced him to shorten the movie - there was a great explanation and ending! Fantastic movie.


• Brett Favre didn't play for the Minnesota Vikings this year.
It's a shame he didn't - he probably would've kicked ass they would've won the Superbowl...they were so close last year. Still, he retired on top and did it his way. And was a darn good family man too. We'll never forget you, Brent!


• The rain scene in the movie "Tombstone" was done well.
Of course they had to use fake rain - that's perfectly fine. They didn't stop the rain short and make bone dry soil 10 feet beyond them - that would have been annoying.


• Pierre Trudeau never tried to implement the National Energy Policy.
Thus leaving a colourful, fascinating, world-recognized and loved leader. Now the worst thing he did was flip us the bird - that's just style, baby.


• The scene where Nitty was falling in "The Untouchables" and where Hans was falling in "Die Hard" were well done close-ups.
Look how good the rest of the movies are - obviously these scenes rocked!


• The Oilers never messed up their goalie situation in their 2005-06 Stanley Cup run.
Woohoo - another Stanley Cup for E-Town! Keep those "City of Champions" signs up!





• Bill Clinton never took up smoking cigars and played more sax.
Or at least found a better looking humidor.


Of course I have a legacy of personal mulligans to take too: errant throws, shots, half-assed efforts, wrong blames, stupid play calls, 'witty' comebacks to significant others/friends, work 'reply to all' emails, childhood comments to 'different' kids, etc. But hey - I'll keep mine to myself for now, thanks. La la la...happy place.


Terry David Mulligan