Famous Last Words

Realistically, one would probably want their last words to be professing their love for their family and friends. Thankfully, some people aren't realistic enough or lucky enough to have this opportunity, and have left some very memorable parting bon mots.

My favourite tombstone is from a British boxer whose inscription reads: "You can stop counting - I'm not getting up." But I'm not really talking about wills, tombstones, or post-mortem book releases. How about one's last words in the heat of the moment as you're looking into the great void - who the heck would have the composure to be funny, salient, ironic, brave, etc?



If you have Shakespeare writing for you, then you get to have:

• To be or not to be...
-- Hamlet

• Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
-- Julius Caesar

• Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
-- Macbeth





But hey, that's not fair. That's the friggin' bard you've got helping you - we don't all get to have a Cyrano feeding us lines. If we did, and happened to be famous and in movies and such, we might get to end with:

• I knew a man once who said: 'Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.'
-- Maximus, Gladiator

• Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
-- Black Knight, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

• I smell toast.
-- soldier, M*A*S*H

• You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
-- Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars



Even if you're not human, you still get cool finishing lines in movies:

• It has to end here. I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do. Here...I cannot self-terminate. You must lower me into the steel.
-- T2, Terminator 2

• I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time...like tears in rain. Time to die.
-- Batty, Bladerunner





Okay, but what if you DIDN'T have writers? Well, that's tougher. And, since your loved ones are going to try to protect your image and make your 'last words' something memorable, it'd tough to say if you actually said it. We can only go by what's attributed and if it seems consistent.



Quietly, To Their Friends and Families

• Now I have finished with all earthly business, and high time too. Yes, yes, my dear child, now comes death.
-- Franz Leher

• Beautiful.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, in reply to her husband who had asked how she felt

• Come my little one, and give me your hand.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, to his daughter

• Josephine...
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

• Oh, do not cry - be good children and we will all meet in heaven.
-- Andrew Jackson, US President

• I love you Sarah. For all eternity, I love you.
-- James Polk, US President

• Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.
-- Jesus Christ

• Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
-- Louis XIV, King of France

• Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
-- Ludwig van Beethoven



Heroic, Fighting, Disbelieving

• I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.
-- Nathan Hale

• I am still alive!
-- Gaius Caligula, Roman Emperor, stabbed to death by his own guards

• I am ready to die for my Lord, that in my blood the Church may obtain liberty and peace.
-- Thomas Becket

• Go away. I'm all right.
-- HG Wells

• I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
-- Che Guevara

• I forgive everybody. I pray that everybody may also forgive me, and my blood which is about to be shed will bring peace to Mexico. Long live Mexico! Long Live Independence!
-- Maximilian, Emperor of Mexico

• Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore

• Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well, let 'em wait. -- General Ethan Allen, in response to a doctor who said he feared the angels were waiting for him

• I've never felt better.
-- Douglas Fairbanks, Sr

• Don't worry chief, it will be all right.
-- Rudolph Valentino

• They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- General John Sedgwick





Who Could be This Damn Calm and/or Just Curious? Honestly.

• Stopped.
-- [unknown to me] doctor, monitoring his own pulse

• This is the last of Earth! I am content.
-- John Quincy Adams

• I am ready.
-- Woodrow Wilson, US President

• I am curious to see what happens in the next world to one who dies unshriven.
-- Pietro Perugino, giving his reasons for refusing to see a priest as he lay dying

• Good-bye. Why am I hemorrhaging?
-- Boris Pasternak

• It's all been very interesting.
-- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

• Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy.
-- Ethel Barrymore

• Now comes the mystery.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

• I am not the least afraid to die.
-- Charles Darwin

• I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
-- Richard Feynman

• Why not? Yeah.
-- Timothy Leary

• I die hard but am not afraid to go.
-- George Washington, US President

• Nothing, but death.
-- Jane Austen, when asked if there was anything she wanted

• Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die.
-- George Bernard Shaw, to his nurse

• I'm bored with it all.
-- Winston Churchill



Still at Work

• How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
-- PT Barnum

• I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
-- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian

• Get my swan costume ready.
-- Anna Pavlova, ballerina

• Curtain! Fast music! Light! Ready for the last finale! Great! The show looks good, the show looks good!
-- Florenz Ziegfeld





Having Second Thoughts

• I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
-- Humphrey Bogart

• Et tu, Brutus?
-- Julius Caesar, Roman Emperor, meaning “And you too, Brutus?”...shocked that his friend betrayed him

• My God. What's happened?
-- Diana Spencer, Princess of Wales

• All my possessions for a moment of time.
-- Elizabeth I, Queen of England

• Lord help my poor soul.
-- Edgar Allan Poe

• Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-- Pancho Villa

• I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
-- Leonardo da Vinci



Scared, Frustrated, Mad

• The earth is suffocating. Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.
-- Frederic Chopin

• Damn it! Don't you dare ask God to help me!
-- Joan Crawford, to her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud

• Turn up the lights, I don't want to go home in the dark.
-- O Henry

• Let's cool it, brothers...
-- Malcolm X, spoken to his assassins

• Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
-- Karl Marx

• All is lost. Monks, monks, monks!
-- Henry VIII, King of England





Just Plain Happy

• That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.
-- Lou Costello

• I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
-- Errol Flynn

• I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record.
-- Dylan Thomas

• Ah, that tastes nice. Thank you.
-- Johannes Brahms

• That was a great game of golf, fellers.
-- Bing Crosby



Ludicrously Funny or Ironic

• Am I dying, or is this my birthday?
-- Lady Nancy Astor

• I can't sleep.
-- James M Barrie

• Yes, [dying is] tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
-- Edmund Gwenn

• Too late for fruit, too soon for flowers.
-- Walter De La Mare

• I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it...died in a hotel room.
-- Eugene O'Neill

• Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
-- Oscar Wilde



I haven't really given my final words much thought. Realistically, I'd hope that it'd just be something calm and not panicky around my friends and family. If not, then I'd be happy having any of these be my last line on my 100th birthday (August 2064...you're all invited):

• Well, it's been 97 years. You know what? I'm just going to *assume* the Leafs won't win a Stanley Cup in the next 3 years...so let's toast that now.

• Okay okay, sheesh...I'm sorry I bopped your great-granddaughter.

• Today I officially lift my Flutie Curse from the Buffalo Bills - they may now resume regular play.



If I should die earlier than that, then I'd like my last words to be:

• Cool, my time machine worked. [1,000,000 BC]

• Hey, that's at least a Guinness World Record, right?

• Winter tires are for sissies.




I'll give Jack Handey the final word on this:

• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

A Streetcar Named Disgust

It's the time of year that does it to me. It's fed by a love of things historical, a fascination for the machines of war, and winter's onset. It's triggered by Remembrance Day and probably the guilt of never having served in the armed forces or having been affected directly by war. I know I shouldn't feel guilt, but nonetheless it's still there. It makes me kind of morbid, quiet, and I think too much.


In my own tiny way I try to imagine what soldiers and civilians went through - the hell, boredom, not knowing, comraderie, surrealness, loss, gallows humour, etc. I have a pretty good imagination, yet I know I can't imagine more than a tiny portion. The parts that I do 'get' a bit are mostly from Mum and Dad, who were too young to be officially involved in the war growing up in England.


Dad and his family were bombed out of their house in the south of London (Tottenham?). Mum and her family were relatively lucky to be away from the flightpath of the bombers in a small village north of London, but were still affected by severe rationing and troop movements.


To this day, Mum is severely agitated by the sound of wartime sirens and fireworks that whistle like bombs dropping. She's owed that. I'm not sure why Dad didn't seem to be affected. I suppose a young boy simply files things as either 'adventure' or 'not adventure'.



Thanksgiving signals that the harvest is in and winter is looming. It's now time for the ironically-named Remembrance Day. I say ironically because, aside from some people wearing poppies, it largely goes unnoticed. The Halloween decorations are coming down and the Christmas ones are going up. Remembrance Day is the first holiday to get moved to Christmas to get another day around the holidays, when people want it. I defy anyone to find someone who pays homage to the veterans of wars on their extra day at Christmas. That's quite the tribute. But hey - the people now want it. I guess freedom and justice are cheaper when they're further away.


Around Remembrance Day I try to do my little bit. I buy a poppy, I read accounts and stories about the war, I go to or watch the official ceremonies, I observe silence at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, I talk to vets, and I try to point out the relevant good and bad things surrounding Remembrance Day. This blog entry, unfortunately, is about the bad...


People around me know that I sometimes obsess on things that don't seem important to anyone else. One of those things is Stella Artois beer. It wasn't memorable when I had it, but I'm sure that it's a fine beer. Certainly those Belgians know how to make beer, and those Stella Artois glasses are cool. Any beer would taste better out of those beautiful Belgian glasses. But I won't have them. I won't have anything Stella Artois.


And it's all because of one commercial. It's called "Stella Artois - Returning Heroes." It's about an injured soldier and his buddy returning home from World War 1:

• A soldier is severely injured and calls out for his buddy to help him. His buddy risks his own life to carry the injured soldier to safety.
• The injured soldier invites his saviour to his family's pub, where his father offers to pour them a couple glasses of wine. The wounded-soldier-son insists on Stella, because it's better.
• The father draws his son a Stella from the beertap. When the father goes to draw his son's saviour a Stella, he steps on the hose to make it look like the keg is done, then pours him a glass of wine instead.

Is it the a-hole thankless father's fault? Of course it is, but it's also the injured soldier's fault for not giving his buddy his Stella. In fact, that change would've made it a fantastic commercial as it would've shown the wounded soldier rising above his upbringing to do a simple decent thing for someone who saved his life. Instead, he quaffs it down in front of his 'buddy'. It's an award-winning commercial too. Just f-ing priceless.


Anyway, that's why I won't go near it. No Stella beer, no Stella glasses, no Stella coasters on the table in the bar even. Nada. And I lecture every single person I see drinking a Stella, and will continue to do so. I can provide several references to this fact. If I ever get a gift of, or win Stella stuff, I'll destroy it. I know that's petty, thankless, and immature - but I don't want any of their advertising to go through me. It's my little bit. My tiny little bit.


Here's the commercial that sickens me: Returning Heroes


No company I've worked for has taken Remembrance Day on Nov 11, and I get mad at myself in retrospect for not just taking the day off. I don't even think the stores need to shut down on Remembrance Day, but a store would have my undying frickin' loyalty if I saw this happen: A Pittance of Time video


This is my mum's grandfather in WW1 at Ypres, West Flanders, Belgium. I guess that's Flanders Fields, where the poppies blow...between the crosses, row on row. I wish I could've bought him a beer. Thank you for letting me rant once again.

Clean-up in Aisle 2

Too many small blog ideas...must clean-up list a little:



"Je me Souviens" is Quebec's official motto, and is now on their license plates. It means "I Remember" - it's the first part of a motto written for Quebec in 1883. The granddaughter of the guy who originally penned it, eventually mentioned the second part that was never used: ...that born under the lily I flourished under the rose. Meaning that France basically ignored the people it sent to Quebec, whereas England, once it won the territory, did govern them more-or-less actively and occasionally even fairly.



When taking eggs from a carton, keep both a left-right and a forward-backward balance. If the carton is dropped on end, then more eggs are saved. And if you find out that you're OCD - you're ahead of the game.



Holland has a consulate in Bonnie Doon Mall here in Edmonton. The look and accents are close enough, so I'm thinking of filming my version of Lethal Weapon 2 there.



To see if your pasta is done, throw a piece at the wall - if it sticks, it's done. I've thrown one at my cupboard and seen the old one still there. For a short time I felt shame.



Examples of ineffective mentoring:

• Batman & Robin
• Xena & Gabrielle





Argument starter:

• Women use "Love" indiscriminantly: I love that wallpaper; I fell in love with that wicker basket; These fresh waffles are loverly.
• Guys selectively use "Love": I love the new overtime format; I love that new running back; I'd love to see Sigourney Weaver from Alien make out with Sarah Connor from T2.
• They do it knowing that admitting love, like admitting any other uncontrollable obsession, historically gives their enemies an 'in' to defeat them.
• Ergo, when guys say "I love you" - they mean it more.



When someone badmouths someone else, they're doing more than just being negative. Here's how Robert Pirsig sees it:

• When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.



In homage to its spacefaring heritage, the area code for Cape Canaveral is "321".




When I was young and had just watched Popeye, I badgered mum into buying spinach. After one look into that can, I've never again craved it...and only eaten it when it's been hidden in something else. My face drop must've been priceless. And no, I didn't even try a tiny bit.



My friend Rich and I used to cycle in circles in a cul-de-sac for literally hours on end just talking. I don't remember even one specific thing we discussed.



Made-up words from The Simpson's:

• Introubulate: get someone into trouble.
• Embiggen: to enlarge or empower.
• Cromulence: fine, acceptable or normal; excellent, realistic, legitimate or authentic.
• Meh: deep indifference.
• Kwyjibo: a big, dumb, balding Northern American ape with no chin.



If the original Batman series is to be believed:

• Grimalkin is an obscure but nevertheless acceptable synonym for cat.
• Char is a colloquialism for tea.
• Saribus Sacer is a species of ancient Egyptian beetle, sacred to the Sun God, Hymeopolos. And from which the term scarab is derived.
• Oda Wabba Simba is known as six o'clock in our nomenclature. In the 14th dynasty, it was the hour of the hyena. The time when ancient Egyptian supercriminals invariably struck.



The correct nursery rhyme is:

• Peas pottage hot,
• Peas pottage cold,
• Peas pottage in the pot,
• Nine days old.

It's not porridge. Pottage is a stew of meat or fish with grains, herbs and/or vegetables.