Thot Was Poo-er Defendin'

Soccer is huge all over the world - except in North America where it's the sport that people play as kids, but grow out of it when manly sports like football and hockey become available. It's boring. It's played by anyone with an accent; and mostly in those poorer countries. It's a sport where diving and flailing around trying to draw a penalty is rewarded and manly play isn't. But hey, that's another blog...and I actually like playing soccer.

One thing you can't say that's boring though, is the British announcers. How can you not like the following phrases:


He struck that with real venom.
They've unleashed a brace of strikes.
They must be feeling well and truly flenned (circumcised).
The ball fizzed at him.
He goes to ground.

The striker is dispossessed of the ball.
He takes it down with some duress.
He's on his mettle tonight.
The ball is lashed out of play.
He's a real buccaneering fullback.

The goalie scuttled across the crease.
The ball is wicked out of play. ('wikt', not 'wikkid')
He had all the time in the world to steady the ship.
That was a total fresh-air shot.
That ball was clinically struck.

They're really in the ascendancy.
There's some real cut and thrust there.
The ball scuffs wide.
He balloons it out of bounds.
They're 2 goals to the good.

He comes out at a canter; now at a gallop.
What a blinding goal!
That move was strangled at birth.
He bursts into the area - he's foiled.
He traps the ball...straight out of the manual.

That was a lusty challenge.
He made a real meal out of that.
What a cracking shot on net!


And I like it how the announcer on the CBC just tacks the name of the team or player on at the end: They're really up against it now, Argentina. It's just enough distraction to sometimes make it watchable - especially when one of the cheating/diving teams gets knocked out like when Germany trashed Argentina (and Diego Maradonna) 4-0* today.


I didn't really have a horse in this race, seeing as I hate the way England has played in recent years, but now I do: Per Mertesacker of Germany. You know the German team, the catchy Die deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft. Anyway, here's why I'm willing my good buddy Per on to victory:

• We play the same position, defense.
• We're the same height.
• "Per" in Old English means 'man who lives by a pear tree' - and I have a pair of trees out front on my boulevard.
• We have the same first initial.
• Our last names are close to being associated with death...mUerte means 'death' in Spanish; totmanN means 'dead man' in German.
• "...his game is unusually clean for a defender, evident by his relatively few bookings." Hey, me too.


So there you go - now you know who to cheer for. I like the way the Dutch play too - I might have to check out their last names and stuff.


P
* You have to say "Four - nil" in soccer.