• Last year, I did the rare live online Jeopardy test. I cleaned up, had water, turned off my phones, lowered my answering machine volume, closed all other computer programs, made coffee, and put on a cool shirt and clean socks. It started okay, and I built some confidence, but then I got roughed up pretty bad. By halfway I was sweating like a whore in church. The result was that I didn't get a callback. Totally not surprised. Annoyingly, they don't give any kind of score. On the bright side, I've convinced myself that I missed the cut by just one question...and it was probably worded vaguely and thus not my fault.• I've always liked the kitsch of store restaurants. Ikea and Costco do it nowdays, but I remember Zellers and Sears and all those stores having them. My strongest memory is them ladelling gravy onto the fries. I'm a tray person - probably something about it having edges and boundaries, yet still being mobile.
• I like ice cubes that aren't fully frozen because the water jiggles around inside. If you break into it and drink the water, it's like a combination of drinking pure glacier water and drinking from a coconut.
• In public, please don't dance like nobody's watching. Please dance like everybody's watching. You don't have to be nervous about it, just try a touch harder than you would at home. I mean, you're probably dressed up a bit, so should raise your level of decorum to match, non?• Work Tetris is where all your good stuff is deleted, but your mistakes pile up.
• They turn down the flow of water over Niagara Falls at night. Yep, from the Canadian side. They divert more of it to the electricity-generators at night, which bypasses the falls. With darkness and/or sexy lighting, no-one notices.
• If you're looking for an airport, the way that the airplane faces on the sign points you in the direction. It'd be awesome if other signs did that, but it'd be brutal trying to find the Tower of Pisa.
• I've always liked it how some places have a hole in the counter for garbage to fall through, like at Ikea by the hotdog station. A close second is that old cooking show where he opened a drawer for the scraps. Galloping Gourmet?
• My social teacher from high school told a joke about a country, whose first language wasn't English, setting up their government by reading the observer's notes from the British Parliament. The punchline was: A Titter went through the crowd.
• Optimist vs Pessimist:- Glass is half empty = pessimist
- Glass is half full = optimist
- Glass is only half empty = optimist
- Glass is barely half full = pessimist
- Glass is still only half empty! = optimist
- Glass is half empty of poison = optimist
- If your basement is flooded, then 'half empty' is optimistic
- If the quantity of optimists is a natural number greater than one, and can only be divided by one and itself, then this is Optimists Prime.
• I mentioned to my friend Joe that I'd talked to someone who was a phlebotomist. Later, one of his emails was entitled: Is anyone here a marine phlebotomist? What mad Seinfeldian skillz he has.
• Things I've learnt from doing The Edmonton Journal Crossword:
- The only airports in the world are JFK and ORLY
- The only airplane is the SST, and it only flew to JFK
- An eagle can't be endangered, its AERIE is too popular
- Mel OTT is the most famous ballplayer
- An EEL is a scaleless fish
- Buy stocks in maids, because Indian AMAH's are in
- EDAM is the only type of cheese
- An OGEE must be the best damn moulding
• Welsh Rabbit was originally used as an insult against the Welsh, because it contained no rabbit. In England, rabbit was the poor man's meat. In Wales, cheese was the poor man's meat. Its history has largely been sanitized, and you'll now see descriptions like: "Eighteenth-century English cookbooks reveal that it was then considered to be a luscious supper or tavern dish, based on the fine cheddar-type cheeses and the wheat breads..."• That feeling like you want to jump off a high place is called l'appel du vide (the call of the void).
• On a ship, port is left and starboard is right. 'Port' and 'left' both have 4 letters, so that's an easy way to remember it. Port used to be called larboard, but thankfully they changed it.
• 'Ski-Doo' was originally supposed to be 'Ski-Dog', for the tie-in with sled dogs, but the guy doing the poster messed it up. The owner liked the new name more.
• Los Angeles International Airport is abbreviated LAX. If you used to police that area for work, be careful not to list your occupation as an ex-LAX security guard.
• A quanta is the smallest detectable amount of energy, not a ton of energy. Thus, a quantum leap is the tiniest detectable leap. But yes, it does sound all sciencey.
• Arab word for dust storm: haboob.• The Big Bang Theory has the best opening theme song of any show. Don't argue - but if you must, then at least argue for "The Partridge Family".
• Traditional fishing is a feminine occupation because it involves attracting, rather than pursuing.
• Edmonton has rights to a new lingerie football team. The best name suggestion: Sex-imos.
