Kind of an Ikea Expert...

Yes, it's true, I'm a bit of an expert when it comes to dining at Ikea. Well, the lower cafe anyway. Maybe I'll master the domain of the upper cafe someday. Okay, enough dreaming...so here's the thing:

- The ketchup dispenser and the mustard dispenser are side-by-side.
- The relish dispenser shows up intermittently beside them, but is near useless - like all relish dispensers.
- There's always a bowl of those relish packets.

The most efficient way to top your dogs is to start with the relish packets and wait for a gap at the mustard & ketchup area. When there's a gap, swoop in and do dog 1 with both mustard and ketchup, keeping the dog moving by like it's on a conveyor belt. That's the key. And use nice smooth pushes on the levers to avoid too much or efficiency-sapping re-waving of the hot dog under the dispenser. Then dog 2 and 3. Then, if necessary, finish the relish application. You'll be done in no time and will earn the respect of any efficiency expert within sight. Don't worry - they're watching.

Obviously, don't fall for the false-lead that applying the relish at your table will get you, which will also mess up your tray with the empty relish packets. The cleaner your tray, the easier it is to clean for the Ikea staff, and the cheaper your food will stay. And hey, who doesn't want to be known for their neatness? It goes almost without saying that one folds the paper hot dog holders back to their original state, doesn't it? Everything needs to be in its place.

Not taking too much pop and ice will save you time from emptying your cup into the draining tray under the fountain drink taps before you throw your tray contents into the rubbish. Two steps there and two steps back...just saying.



FAQ:  Paul, why three hot dogs?
Answer:  Because that's the most you can logically get. Combo 2 is two hot dogs and a fountain drink for $2. With an extra hot dog for $0.75, plus GST, it's $2.90...so you get a dime back.  Later, on the way home, when you get the $4 box of cinnamon buns and a $1.05 yogurt cone, the subtotal is $5.05. Now you use your previous dime and avoid all that change. Also, since there's more money in 'grocery' ($4) than 'dining out' ($3.95), your budget item gets put into 'grocery' and you're closer to hitting your new year's resolution of eating out 10% fewer times in 2014 than 2013.



FAQ:  But you're not eating out less often.  That's just budgetary trickery, isn't it? 
Answer:  Technically yes, and thanks for recognizing my accounting genius, however I have to be out of cinnamon buns before I can get the hot dogs under my 'grocery' column, so that reduces the frequency of my hot dogging. Also sometimes increases the frequency of my cinnabunning.

FAQ:  Paul, are there other restaurants where efficiency applies?
Answer:  Why yes, there are.  I was behind a guy at a Subway and he ordered his sub in this order:

- whole wheat
- foot long
- spicy Italian

Why is the order of these three things important? Because as soon as he said "whole wheat", the Subway artist could start heading to the comparatively large whole wheat section of the oven thing. By that time, it's now an easy grab of the foot-long bun, which is a sub-section of the whole wheat section. Only after turning back around do they need to know the fillings.

And of course, order the condiments as they appear from your right to left to keep the sub flowing along efficiently.  This is critical if it's busy and there are two artists making subs.

Me:  "That's some nice efficiency there: bun type first, bun size next, then fillings."
Efficient Dude:  "Thanks, I always order it that way."
Me:  "It's the only way."

Field of Dreams

Here's why the internet is a big waste of time:

1) It's not as comprehensive as you think
2) Hack writers express opinions like they're fact
3) It's circular, so it just leads you back to the start


PROOF:






- Field of ImPOSSEable Dreams was a sign at the CFL Las Vegas Posse's training site
- On the Posse's roster was running back Jon Volpe
- Volpe was a Rhodes Scholar candidate


- Rhodes Scholar winners include Myron Rolle
- Rolle was a running back in college
- Rolle graduated Princeton Prep school early, got a 4-year degree in 2.5 years with a 3.75 GPA, had 83 athletic scholarships from div 1-A schools, went to FSU for their combo of football and medical opportunities, and got his MSc in medical anthropology from Oxford on his Rhodes Scholarship


- Rolle signed a 4-year contract with the NFL Titans, then Steelers
- Rolle never played a regular season professional game, then chose medical school over football
- Archibald Doc/Moonlight Graham was a baseball player who was signed by Major League baseball but never got up to bat, then chose medicine over baseball in the movie Field of Dreams






See? It's like an ant climbing around a globe - he thinks it goes on forever.


link to Myron Rolle Profile



Bonus 1: The real Archibald Graham also played halfback on his collegiate football team while earning his medical degree.


Bonus 2: The Las Vegas Posse used to send hot cheerleaders behind the bench of visiting teams to distract them.

Just Remembering a Vet...

I sometimes take my neighbour's dog Sophie for walks in Mill Creek Ravine.  If you walk enough there, or anywhere, stuff happens and you meet people.  Here's one:


On a beautiful sunny winter day, I was walking in Mill Creek Ravine by the Velodrome with Sophie, and we passed by an older gent wearing a hat with a "Lancaster" logo. A Lancaster is a WW2 Allied bomber. This is my favourite era for airplanes, so I had to chat him up. Turns out that his name was Ken Taylor, an airman on a Lancaster bomber on a raid who bailed out over occupied Holland a couple weeks before D-Day. He was captured and put into Stalag Luft VII Prisoner Of War camp. He mentioned something about a long march from the camp - not to complain, but to maybe trigger a historical fact in my head. Didn't work. Apparently, he and a few friends now meet at that Argyll McDonald's on the same day each week.

At the time of his evacuation from the POW camp, the Germans knew that the war was unwinnable and were basically fleeing the Soviets and taking prisoners with them. The Germans were positioning themselves with the prisoners to be captured by anyone other than the Soviets, because of the horrible things that Hitler ordered against them (somewhere in the range of 20-30,000,000 Russian people were killed). Somehow or other, one of the Germans, maybe one of his guards, became a friend of his and they now live in the same condo complex overlooking Mill Creek Ravine. Ken now considers his former enemy to be his best friend. Unfortunately, Sophie was getting anxious so that's all I got from him.

I tried, off and on, for years to get some info about him, but wasn't at all successful. It doesn't help that the name "Ken Taylor" is also shared by that Canadian diplomat that helped get Americans out of Iran (as in the movie "Argo" by Ben Affleck). Somehow or other though, I found some info today. Here it is:

I couldn't remember if it was Stalag 3 or 7. Stalag 3 was "The Great Escape" one.  It turns out that he was in Stalag 7, and it was the last Luftwaffe (German air force) POW camp.  Later he was moved to one of the Stalag 3 camps...so that's close to the movie.

He was a Nav II Warrant Officer and bomb aimer/observer aboard an Avro Lancaster bomber.

On May 21/22, 1944 their plane was hit by flak and the starboard outer engine caught fire. He and a Sergeant bailed out. The crew, despite injuries to the pilot and flight engineer, were able to limp the plane back to Manston RAF base in England, where their lack of brakes caused them to run into a gas tank used for filling airplane tanks. No-one was further injured, but the pilot and engineer were kept in hospital.



It turns out that The March was quite a thing. There were three main marches with several POW camps. He was in the 'central' route.

19 January, 1945 – evacuation from Stalag Luft 7 at Bankau, near Kreuzberg, Poland, begins in blizzard conditions – 1,500 prisoners were force marched then loaded onto cattle trucks and taken to Stalag III-A at Luckenwalde, south of Berlin.

27 January, 1945 – Red Army liberates Auschwitz.

27 January, 1945 to February 1945 – evacuation from Stalag III-A at Luckenwalde, 30 km south of Berlin, then onto Stalag VII-A near Moosburg, Bavaria.

29 April, 1945 – Stalag VII-A at Moosburg was liberated by Patton's Third United States Army.

30 April, 1945 – Berlin falls to the Red Army and Hitler commits suicide.



Today I ordered The Long Road - a book about the liberation of Stalag 7. Ken was mentioned in it a couple of times and it seems full of interesting stories.  411.ca indicates that he's still alive and living where he said.  After I read the book I think that I'll do some snooping at the McDonald's and 'happen' to drop by when they meet. If nothing else, I want to tease him about bailing out while most of the rest of his crew flew home - which wouldn't compare to the teasing his old crew would've given him after they met up after the war.

"Ken, why are you leaving early?  It's not like you to bail. Hahahahahahaha!"

Or maybe I'll be there to apologize for not knowing much about the history of my neighbours and to listen to old war stories that are new to me. I hope I get the chance to get him to sign my book.


It may not mean anything to anyone else, but here are some links on this:

Link to The Long Road (pdf book)

link to The_March_(1945) [wiki]

link to Stalag 13  As you can see, Hogan's Heroes wasn't historically accurate, as Stalag 13 was actually two camps, which were both in factories.  You know you were thinking about the show, so don't even pretend to take the high road.



So anyway...that's why I chat to people who I don't know.

No Trivial Matter

How the heck does all this trivia pile up so quickly? Must vent...

The Grateful Dead is from the folk tale motif of a wanderer who gives his last penny to pay for a corpse's burial, then is magically aided by the spirit of the dead person.


Oops 1 - The Salton Sea -- is a saline lake, below sea level, located directly on the San Andreas Fault in California.  The sea was accidentally created in 1905 when a cut was made in the bank of the Colorado River.  The outflow overwhelmed the engineered canal, and the river flowed into the Salton Basin for two years.  The Salton Sea is the largest lake in California.

Oops 2 - The Aral Sea -- was the fourth-largest lake in the world by area, but has largely disappeared after giant Soviet irrigation projects began in the 1960s in Uzbekistan and Turkmenistan.  It's now 10% of its former size, and has split into four lakes.

Alberta is the largest rat-free area in the world.

When the US was sending up supplies and bombers to fortify Alaska during WW2, Blatchford Field (recently Edmonton City Centre Airport) was the busiest airport in the world.

My Typing 10 teacher, Mr Lopushinski, talked like John Wayne.


When you think of a witty retort too late, it's known as l’esprit de l’escalier, or staircase wit.

With rifles, 30/06 ("thirty ought six", not "thirty odd six") means it is 30 caliber and it was designed in 1906 (nineteen ought six).  30/30 means it is a 30 caliber bullet using 30 grains of powder.







If you travel back in time, it might help to know the following terms:

Drawn and Quartered -- Convicts were fastened to a wooden panel and drawn by horse to the place of execution, where they were hanged almost to death, emasculated, disembowelled, beheaded, and quartered (chopped, or pulled into four pieces by four horses). Their remains were often displayed in prominent places across the country, such as London Bridge.

Keel-Hauled -- The sailor was 'hauled' along the barnacle-encrusted 'keel' of the vessel aided by the movement of the ship and pulled back aboard at the stern of the ship.

Shiver Me Timbers -- In heavy seas, ships would be lifted up and pounded down so hard as to shiver (vibrate) the timbers (beams).  Also reminiscent of the splintering of a ship's timbers/mast in battle ('shiver' means splinter in olde English).

Captain's Daughter -- aka Cat o' Nine Tails (multi-ended whip).  When Captain Tractor sang "Throw him in the hold with the Captain's Daughter", it wasn't what it sounds like, but it probably resembles what the Captain would do to you if he found some seaman on his daughter.


Right of Parlay -- (like Johnny Depp used in Pirates of the Caribbean) is where you get to talk to the leader of the group who captured you.  It's likely from 'parlez' - French for speak.

Emmet -- means ant in olde English.  But remember, Emmet Smith won't be born for years.



Freelance -- comes from knights who sold their skills (their lancing abilities).


Rocky Road -- ice cream invented in 1929, and named in part to reflect the difficult economic times ahead.








Space Stuff that You Sometimes Wonder About:

Every August the Earth passes through the debris from the comet Swift-Tuttle, forming the Perseids meteor shower.

Meteoroid -- rock in space
Meteor -- rock in atmosphere (ie. meteor shower)
Meteorite -- rock that hits Earth

Asteroid -- rock that orbits Sun
Planetoid -- same as asteroid, but bigger

Other related terms:  planetesimal, planetule, protoplanet, dwarf planet, comet, meso planet, and small solar system bodies.

Amphibian vs Reptile?

Amphibian -- means "living double lives" - one in water with gills and the other on land by growing lungs as they age.

Reptile -- "to creep stealthily under cover of darkness"

Navy Seals were formerly 'frogmen'...which are amphibians. Obviously a case could also be made for them having a reptilian name...like The Alligators or The Sea Turtles.

Salem is short for Jerusalem.

Henry Schrapnel invented the schrapnel bomb/grenade.

Thomas Crapper did not invent the toilet.

Sanpaku -- is originated from a Chinese & Japanese term and means “three whites”.  The term refers to eyes in which the white space above or below the iris is visible.  According to the myth, it represents physical imbalance in the body and is claimed to be present in alcoholics, drug addicts, people who overconsume sugar or grain, and mentally imbalanced people such as psychotics, murderers, and anyone rageful.  The lyrics to Edmonton-area band's Darkroom song of the same name now makes more sense.

Daisy Dukes (cutoff jeans over nylons) were originally only worn to appease the network censors, and were Katherine Bach's solution to the problem.

I'll be in my bunk

The World of Cups 2014

The last batch of English-announcer sayings to study before the World Cup final today.

USA! USA! USA! Oh wait, they're not in it any more.





He's urging the fans for further endeavours on their part.

It's been quite a slog.

They decided to take off the handbrake and see what happened.

A little over-muscular in the challenge.

...and a clawing save by the keeper.







They bamboozled the Belgian defense.

That's a rather cynical challenge.

It was a deft strike.

The keeper fished it away. (punched)

He gets his thatch on that one. (big hair)

The referee may not be taking his holidays in Brazil.

Brazil has twenty minutes to score to save their blushes.

He's showing plenty of purpose.

It was almost goodnight and thank you.

He's had an imperious World Cup.

Whirled Cup 2014

 I think the previous World Cup announcer was more colourful, but still some gems:

• Their defense has been breached twice.
• He flung himself among the boots.
• The lead may be unassailable.

• He can raid in from here.
• For the Greeks, another disconsolate day.
• He's left for dead.

• They've thrown rocks at each other all game.
• A very obdurate side, those Hondurans.
• Rooney ghosting in behind.


• England with their tails up...

• He practices those assiduously.
• His sour comments have got him into trouble.
• He was curiously unmarked.

• He sported two minds there.
• It's a wonderful night for their talismanic striker.
• A little bit of a cultural talk between players there.
• More calamitous defending by England.


Last World Cup Link:  Thot Was Poo-er Defendin'

Blog Ideas Too Small to be Blogs

Ideas piling up - must purge...


It's theurapeutic for women to bake, cook, give backrubs, etc for men - ask any male scientist.

It's smart to let buses in ahead of you because the faster that large groups of people get to where they're going on mass transit, the clearer the roads are for you.

I learned all that I know about book-arranging from Lynnette Jennings on Homeworks 20 years ago.


There's an artist who dresses up her baby as dictators as a way to illustrate how we all begin life the same and have opportunities to do good, or inexplicable evil. At least, that's her story:  Crazy?

If you're feeling that the internet is being negative today, click on 1000 Awesome Things or go to YouTube and search "People are awesome".

Two strong examples of post-feminist thought are Xena and Lara Croft.

My hero is Winston Churchill, but I'd probably hate having to work with/for/against him.

Most forms of Christianity are compatible with Natural Selection and Evolution, so both 'sides' can stop being dicks, thanks.

A better term for voicemail is earmail.

Pardon me, is this feat taken?  I got to ref for a short time in Edmonton's World's Longest Flag Football Game record attempt.  Hilariously (for me), I was the ref who was there when the news cameras showed up. The players eventually did it, but a technical flaw kiboshed the attempt.  It was a great atmosphere...well done, people.

I've been summoned to jury duty 3 times in 10 years.  The first time, all 3 cases were cancelled while we were there.  Not picked any of the times...not even picked to go up and get quickie-evaluated.  The third time the judge was like Carol Burnett.

Since they don't have to give a reason for rejecting jurors, jury selection is the last bastion of racism, sexism, ageism, weightism, etc.

Odd street vehicles that were really fast: Buick Grand National, Dodge Li'l Red Express Truck, and the AMC Gremlin.

Want to go to France on a budget?  Go to the islands of St Pierre and Miquelon - they're controlled by France and are a 55 minute ferry from Newfoundland.

A helium balloon will move forward as you accelerate in a car/train/bus because it's essentially bobbing on top of the air, which sloshes backwards and pushes the balloon forwards.

Because of its aerodynamic downforce, a Formula 1 car could drive upside-down on a ceiling.

Guys named Jim and Scott are always decent. Know any who aren't Jimmy, Jimbo, Scotty?

I like the irony of a Smart Car following a giant dump truck that has "DO NOT PUSH" on the tailgate.

The shaky camera technique popular nowadays is supposed to mimic gritty news footage, not first-person perspective. Please stop overusing this tired technique. My vision isn't shaky like that unless I'm on a roller-coaster or Edmonton's spring roads.

Texting isn't wrecking English, it's just bringing it back to the days of telegrams.

When driving over a crosswalk, I drive over the unpainted areas.

The ketchup on French fries is better out of the packets than a bottle.

A gal doing jumping-jacks under a fluorescent light will look like she has many boobs.

A cheap way to simulate driving in England is to look in your rearview mirror.  Right hand drive!

You can rent a furnace.

Because of the huge downforces engineered into them for cornering, the aerodynamic drag on a Formula 1 car is higher than on my Jeep.

You know how people laugh at the geezer with a pocket watch because of how impractical he is? Ask anyone the time nowadays and see what happens.

CFB Namao was one of the emergency landing strips for the Space Shuttle.

The King T Shaving Method

Star Trek Bumhead

Okay, I'll try not to oversell this incredible new shaving technique that I've developed. It'll be difficult, but I'll do my best. I haven't been able to find an existing reference to it and I'm pretty good on The Google. Thus, I've at least independently developed it, like how both Isaac Newton and Leibnitz independently discovered infinitesimal calculus - but I don't have to tell you physics history buffs that.


This is the situation that it's most useful, although it could be used at other times:

- You may be poor, but probably just lazy
- You have a few days' worth of beard or more
- You only shave with a blade and shaving cream
- You don't own an electric beard/sideburn trimmer



Normally when debearding, one would take the trimmer and shear off the bulk of the beard, then shave electrically or with a safety razor and shaving cream. And this can still happen, but what if you only have a safety razor?

Shawn

It can always be done if you put enough time to it, but the clogging of the blades is the biggest time-vampire. It's also friggin' annoying. After about half an inch of travel there's so much hair in the blades that it's now skipping across and not cutting anymore. This means the process takes forever, as you have to constantly swish the razor in the sink or run it backwards on a towel or whatever.


Okay, so here it is, with no warranty implied or stated:


1) Soak down your beard and foam it, like normal.

2) Instead of drawing the razor down until it jams, VIBRATE IT UP AND DOWN LIKE YOU'RE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH -- KEEPING THE RAZOR AGAINST YOUR FACE.

2 a) CRITICALLY IMPORTANT: THE HEAD OF THE RAZOR IS ORIENTED LIKE THE TOOTHBRUSH, NOT THE HANDLE OF THE RAZOR. SHUDDER. THE OTHER WAY IS...OKAY, NO...PUSHING IMAGE OUT OF MY BRAIN.

3) I sh*t you not.

4) Now just keep going (sideways, with razor moving up and down), and you'll leave a section clear of beard. Just keep going and going and going...the razor never jams!


It is the damnedest thing. The upwards movement must draw the hair back out immediately and keep the cutting edge clear. I don't know the actual up/down distance, but it was about 1/2 and inch to 3/4 of an inch with me. The foam and hair just keeps piling up beneath the razor and onto the handle. I tried it with both 2 and 3 weeks of beard. Again, it's the damnedest thing.

Are you in, genius?

I now take my place among the great inventors and geniuses in history. Since I'm not asking for money, although I ask that this method be known as the King T Shaving Method, I must also take my place among the world's great philanthropists. If enough money is forced upon me, I promise to relinquish the latter claim.


Besides the above time-saving and anti-frustration values of the King T Shaving Method, it's also:

- Y2K compliant (or places without power)
- Good at slowing the emission of greenhouse gases (which, when sourced by fossil fuels, may contribute to global warming)
- Just Plain Cool


If you know me, you now know a famous genius-guy. That must be cool for you.


Humbly,
King T

Smarter when cold out?

Sophie and the Flying Canoe

Kind of a cool art thing put on by MacEwan Fine Arts in Mill Creek Ravine this weekend:  

link:  The Flying Canoe Adventure

I didn't see it at night, but here are Sophie and I checking it out on Saturday afternoon. There are no pictures of me because all of the ones that Sophie took were either blurry or just of squirrels. She just doesn't have the patience. Or thumbs.

The start (down by the two houses in the ravine), and directions to the Trapper's Cabin.
One of us may be just about to dart to the right.

dogpile

On our way down the walking path, towards the Trapper's Cabin. 

Sophie's on high alert for mice in the haybales.

staying close and using the buddy system for safety

Just like the sign guaranteed...the Trapper's Cabin.  

Seemed cozy with the stove inside.

Sophie close, but not in pic...buddy system working great!

There were a lot of these decorative mini-lamppost things.  

If the explanation was on a sign, then I missed it - which was a common theme for me.

buddy system shot to hell; difference in footspeed becoming issue

I saw the sign for this, but didn't take a picture of it. 

Thus, my faulty memory has no idea what it was, so I'm calling it the 'Purple DNA Strand'.

Not enough resolution to zoom in on plaque - maybe the CSI guys could do it.

Sophie potentially, but unlikely, close by

These were cooler than the picture shows - they were lights frozen into spheres of ice.

Would've looked cool at night.

buddy system distant memory...dog over horizon

The main tent area - first aid tent and a larger tent to the left that isn't shown.

Polite laughter when I said that the homeless were sure organized this year.

It actually seemed like they hadn't heard the joke 100 times that weekend.

More about that quad later.

finally caught up to dog...had just eaten all their stores...sending quad for replacement foodstuffs

Base camp left, dog-troll guarding entrance to City of Lights.

resting, digesting food...stuffed

Not much contrast, so it's hard to see, but this small tent is The Mysterium.

Sorry, neither of us looked in, so whatever's inside it will remain a mystery.

5th attempt for picture

This is the Mira Animalium, with pictures of lots of animals.

Probably all native to Mill Creek Ravine at one time or another.

Irony of the dog missing from the Animalium picture isn't lost on me.

don't run ahead to the teepee...no...stay...stay

Not sure why I picked the most populous animal currently in the ravine - oh well.

what if this had been a real squirrel? I'd be dead...thanks Sophie

The relaxed artfulness of the juxtaposition of a black and brown Sophie on the white snow in front of a beige and blue teepee with an elk on it, which is itself in front of brown and green trees bathed in the failing rays of light as dusk nears...was at least the 8th freaking attempt. Every time I mumbled or said "Oh come on" when my phone camera timed out as I was backing up, Sophie obediently came. The woman on the quad was quite enjoying herself, thank you very much: "I could watch this all day."

In the order that we went anyway, this is the last of it. Pretty cool.

obviously no food inside

If you prefer a slighty more permanent amateur work of art, there's this graffito under the Whyte Ave bridge:

the eyes have it

The end.