Prepared for 2011?

Q) What's worse than being caught unprepared?
A) Being an unprepared Italian mobster meeting Sean Connery's character in "The Untouchables."

Proof: Isn't that just like a wop? Brings a knife to a gun fight.


Ouch. One would welcome the icy hand of Death at that point. You can't risk not knowing the rules and suffering the fate of that Italian chap, so memorize the following sayings and prepare accordingly:


• Brought a cat to a dogfight.
Hoping to face a chihuahua in the first round is a poor tactic.


• Brought a shih tzu to a dogfight at Michael Vick's house.


• Brought a Sopwith Camel to a Battle of Britain Dogfight.
Sopwith Camel: 115mph
Focke Wulf 190: 440mph


• Brought a lama to a Llama Fight.
A lama is a Tibetan priest. They might be scrappy like Buddhist monks, but a llama is better in the cold, at carrying ninja, and can spit long distances. Llama may also have rabies.




• Brought a lynx to a Tiger Fight.
[66 pounds] vs [660 pounds w/3" teeth] -- Don't be swayed by the cheaper kitty-litter expense.


• Brought an albino Vegas show tiger to a Sabre-Toothed Tiger Fight.
[660 pounds and 3" teeth] vs [1000 pounds and 11" teeth]. Your tiger could do tricks and moderately maim a gay showman. His could put its teeth through a mammoth's leg.


• Brought a Swiss army knife to a Crocodile Dundee Knife Fight.
"You call THAT a pair of mini-scissors?"



• Brought a pistol to a Rifle Fight.
There won't be a quick-draw competition, and you won't both be tasked to smuggle your weapon into a nightclub in the waistband of your sweats.


• Brought a rifle to a Machine Gun Fight.
You'll lose big in the 'gun in each hand like Rambo' event.


• Brought a machine gun to a Bomb Fight.


• Brought a conventional bomb to an A-Bomb Fight.
Trying for Miss Congeniality? Get nuclear. Domo origato.


• Brought an A-bomb to an H-Bomb Fight.
Fission vs fusion -- a common dilemna. Fusion is louder. An easy way to remember it is to think of a discussion about restaurant trends:

That taco pizza was The Bomb - I love fusion cuisine!
Ugh, I now have explosive diarrHea!
What the H is wrong with my bowels?



• Brought a peaceful weaponless planet to a Death Star Fight.
Alderaan, aardvark, and aaaaaalmrsstt (fish roe paste) are not good fighters. Angel of Death, Death Star, Black Death, and Death by Bunga are all nasty deathy things.


• Brought a Death Star to a Biblical Armageddon Fight.
There's no exposed exhaust port in The Bible.


• Brought a universe WITHOUT dark matter to a Universe WITH Dark Matter Fight.
Without dark matter your puny universe will not have enough mass-gravity to stop its infinite expansion. The other bad news is that the avec-dark-matter universe will outweigh you and win.




• Brought a wife to a Wives With PMS Fight. She might be a gamer, but the poor gal will lose a lot of hair to a she-devil who's on her A-game.