Monday, December 20, 2010
Prepared for 2011?
Q) What's worse than being caught unprepared?
A) Being an unprepared Italian mobster meeting Sean Connery's character in "The Untouchables."
Proof: Isn't that just like a wop? Brings a knife to a gun fight.
Ouch. One would welcome the icy hand of Death at that point. You can't risk not knowing the rules and suffering the fate of that Italian chap, so memorize the following sayings and prepare accordingly:
• Brought a cat to a dogfight.
Hoping to face a chihuahua in the first round is a poor tactic.
• Brought a shih tzu to a dogfight at Michael Vick's house.
• Brought a Sopwith Camel to a Battle of Britain Dogfight.
Sopwith Camel: 115mph
Focke Wulf 190: 440mph
• Brought a lama to a Llama Fight.
A lama is a Tibetan priest. They might be scrappy like Buddhist monks, but a llama is better in the cold, at carrying ninja, and can spit long distances. Llama may also have rabies.
• Brought a lynx to a Tiger Fight.
[66 pounds] vs [660 pounds w/3" teeth] -- Don't be swayed by the cheaper kitty-litter expense.
• Brought an albino Vegas show tiger to a Sabre-Toothed Tiger Fight.
[660 pounds and 3" teeth] vs [1000 pounds and 11" teeth]. Your tiger could do tricks and moderately maim a gay showman. His could put its teeth through a mammoth's leg.
• Brought a Swiss army knife to a Crocodile Dundee Knife Fight.
"You call THAT a pair of mini-scissors?"
• Brought a pistol to a Rifle Fight.
There won't be a quick-draw competition, and you won't both be tasked to smuggle your weapon into a nightclub in the waistband of your sweats.
• Brought a rifle to a Machine Gun Fight.
You'll lose big in the 'gun in each hand like Rambo' event.
• Brought a machine gun to a Bomb Fight.
• Brought a conventional bomb to an A-Bomb Fight.
Trying for Miss Congeniality? Get nuclear. Domo origato.
• Brought an A-bomb to an H-Bomb Fight.
Fission vs fusion -- a common dilemna. Fusion is louder. An easy way to remember it is to think of a discussion about restaurant trends:
That taco pizza was The Bomb - I love fusion cuisine!
Ugh, I now have explosive diarrHea!
What the H is wrong with my bowels?
• Brought a peaceful weaponless planet to a Death Star Fight.
Alderaan, aardvark, and aaaaaalmrsstt (fish roe paste) are not good fighters. Angel of Death, Death Star, Black Death, and Death by Bunga are all nasty deathy things.
• Brought a Death Star to a Biblical Armageddon Fight.
There's no exposed exhaust port in The Bible.
• Brought a universe WITHOUT dark matter to a Universe WITH Dark Matter Fight.
Without dark matter your puny universe will not have enough mass-gravity to stop its infinite expansion. The other bad news is that the avec-dark-matter universe will outweigh you and win.
• Brought a wife to a Wives With PMS Fight. She might be a gamer, but the poor gal will lose a lot of hair to a she-devil who's on her A-game.
Labels:
brought a knife to a gunfight,
connery,
gunfight,
knife,
untouchables
Monday, December 13, 2010
Won't Back Down
Shorter blog this time - by popular request. Actually I don't think Dusty's that popular. Still, a shorter blog:
On Sportsnet they're running Oilers commercials. Pretty simple idea: Taylor Hall staring defiantly at the camera while Johnny Cash sings "Won't back down..." I like it. Very dramatic. I like the Oil, I like Taylor Hall, I like Johnny Cash, and I like the simplicity of it. It works for me on a lizard-brain level and makes me like the new attitude of the Oilers and all the excitement they're bringing this year. I'm all ready to go to war with the boys.
So what commercial does Sportsnet run the other day? Some Calgary Flames clown staring defiantly at the camera while Johnny Cash sings "Won't back down..." Gee, thanks Sportsnet. Yeah, we're all the same fans here - as long as it's Alberta. Possibly even Vancouver or the northern States. And of course we always want to see the Leafs at every possibility - they're Canada's team after all.
Being a sports fan is silly and largely irrelevant - but we like it. We like being mad and irrational - it's fun. We love laughing at the fans of the opposing teams and how silly they look in their outfits while they're cheering on a bunch of players who obviously don't want to play for that city. But hey Sportsnet - remember that that's how your broadcasting bread is buttered.
For fudge sake, how hard would it have been to make two different types of commercial? What are they...15 seconds? Thanks Toronto, for once again lumping everything west of Hamilton into one group. I guess we are one group though - both of our Alberta teams have won the Stanley Cup in the last 40 years and made the seventh game of the final round of the playoffs in the last 7 years. And Calgary and Edmonton both hate you just a little bit more now.
And while I'm at it - I grow more pissed that the National Energy Policy existed or was even suggested. I blame Toronto, the Maple Leafs, the Blue Jays, the Argos and the Raptors for this...and now Sportsnet too. I think Trudeau was innocent.
Link to The Toronto Song
On Sportsnet they're running Oilers commercials. Pretty simple idea: Taylor Hall staring defiantly at the camera while Johnny Cash sings "Won't back down..." I like it. Very dramatic. I like the Oil, I like Taylor Hall, I like Johnny Cash, and I like the simplicity of it. It works for me on a lizard-brain level and makes me like the new attitude of the Oilers and all the excitement they're bringing this year. I'm all ready to go to war with the boys.
So what commercial does Sportsnet run the other day? Some Calgary Flames clown staring defiantly at the camera while Johnny Cash sings "Won't back down..." Gee, thanks Sportsnet. Yeah, we're all the same fans here - as long as it's Alberta. Possibly even Vancouver or the northern States. And of course we always want to see the Leafs at every possibility - they're Canada's team after all.
Being a sports fan is silly and largely irrelevant - but we like it. We like being mad and irrational - it's fun. We love laughing at the fans of the opposing teams and how silly they look in their outfits while they're cheering on a bunch of players who obviously don't want to play for that city. But hey Sportsnet - remember that that's how your broadcasting bread is buttered.
For fudge sake, how hard would it have been to make two different types of commercial? What are they...15 seconds? Thanks Toronto, for once again lumping everything west of Hamilton into one group. I guess we are one group though - both of our Alberta teams have won the Stanley Cup in the last 40 years and made the seventh game of the final round of the playoffs in the last 7 years. And Calgary and Edmonton both hate you just a little bit more now.
And while I'm at it - I grow more pissed that the National Energy Policy existed or was even suggested. I blame Toronto, the Maple Leafs, the Blue Jays, the Argos and the Raptors for this...and now Sportsnet too. I think Trudeau was innocent.
Link to The Toronto Song
Labels:
Commercial,
Edmonton Oilers,
Flames,
Johnny Cash,
Leafs suck,
NHL,
Sportsnet,
Toronto sucks
Friday, December 10, 2010
The Origin of Feces
Way back in December of Ought Four, I did a crazy thing. Buoyed by the success of my 2001 New Year's Resolution to read at least one book per month, I vowed to learn and cook one recipe per month. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It turns out that the book one was easier, I've renewed it every year, and I'm even way ahead on that one. The cooking one...not so much.
Well, until now that is. One of my 2010 Resolutions was to catch up on my cooking resolution. In January of 2010, I was still on March 2008. That's 21 months behind, for you who don't want to do the maths on that one. And then there's the 12 recipes for 2010 to do too. Sheesh.
Still, it's a good idea in principle, and conceivably a simple thing to do...just got to get at it. I didn't have any real rules - just that it was new to me. This meant that I naturally selected some pretty low-hanging fruit. And some recipes were fruit that were on the ground rotting. But it's better than nothing, and something good must come out of it, right? Right???
To make a boring story shorter than I could have, I caught up to the end of 2010 with 3 weeks to spare! The only casualties were pride and a lot of needlessly burnt food. No, I'm not a good cook now. Yes, I chose easy recipes. Yes, I had to bend the rules a bit. Yes, I did actually learn a tiny bit about cooking.
A spinoff was that I put the recipes in HTML format on my computer (by hand), so I learned a little bit about that internetty language stuff too. Not all of it is available on this blog program - it looks much better on my computer with the tables and links and such. With both, there's more formatting and comments the farther on you go.
Paul's Recipe Resolution
New Year's Resolution 2005:
Learn & Make One Recipe per Month
As of the end of December 2010, I’ve made 72 recipes.
2005
January -- Scrambled Eggs
Eggs; milk; butter
Crack eggs into hot buttered saucepan; add a spash of milk; scramble with fork while cooking. Optional spices like salt, pepper, chili, chipotle, Tabasco or hot sauce.
February -- Mike's Ex's Beef Tortillas
1-lb ground beef; 1 (soup-sized) can tomato paste; 1-2 oz vinegar, chili powder, 1-2 oz Worcestershire sauce (or Oxo) & Tabasco. Tortilla shells, ground cheddar, shaved lettuce, salt & pepper, salsa, sour cream.
Brown beef in saucepan & drain; add tomato paste & mix in; add & mix in vinegar, chili, Worcestershire and Tabasco to taste. Warm tortilla shells in microwave, add beef, ground cheddar, shaved lettuce, salt & pepper, salsa, sour cream.
March -- Beer Can Chicken
Whole 4-lb chicken; can of beer; 2 tbsp salt; 1 tsp black pepper; 3 tbsp dry rub; 2 tbsp vegetable oil.
Remove innards; wash, rub oil & mixed dry ingredients inside & out. Drink half of beer; mount chicken on can; place like tripod on grill (medium indirect heat) for 1-1/4 hr. Stab with knife, juices should run clear.
Beer Can Chicken
April -- Corn Grilled in the Husk
Corns on the cob (still in the husks)
Remove silk and all but 2 layers of husk. Put on hottest part of the grill and turn 1/4 turn every 2-3 minutes.
Corn in the Husk
May -- Roasted Red Bell Pepper Butter
2 red bell peppers; 1-lb butter (room temperature); 1/4 cup basil leaves; 2 tbsp lime juice; salt & pepper
Roast peppers, turning until blackened; remove & place in a paper bag; seal bag & let sit for 10 minutes. Peel off the charred skin and discard; slice the peppers open & discard membranes and seeds. Puree the butter, peppers, basil, lemon juice, salt & pepper; put in fridge to harden.
Bell Pepper Butter
June -- Grilled Bananas with Honey Rum Glaze
2 tbsp dark rum; 2 tbsp honey; 4 bananas (peel on, sliced lengthwise); 1 tsp cinnamon; chocolate ice cream
Blend rum, honey & cinnamon. Grill bananas over direct medium heat (cut side down) for 3 minutes, or until bananas develop visible grill marks. Turn bananas & brush with honey-rum mixture; continue grilling with lid down for 5 minutes, or until bananas are cooked throughout. Remove & serve with ice cream.
Grilled Bananas
July -- Texas-Style BBQ Beef Ribs
2 racks of beef back ribs; 2 tbsp black pepper; 1 tbsp oregano; 1 tbsp paprika; 2 tsp celery salt; 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper.
Combine all spices; rub over surface of ribs to coat well. Preheat oven to 300F; place ribs on a rack in a roasting pan with 1/2-inch of water. Cover pan with foil and tightly seal edges; bake for 2 hours. Remove ribs from pan and place on grill over medium coals for 15 minutes; serve with BBQ sauce.
Ribs
August -- Zippy's Scallopy Potatoes
Potatoes (peeled & sliced); butter; spicy Italian salad dressing; salt; pepper; spices (like chili or chipotle)
Add butter, salad dressing, salt, pepper & spices to potatoes. Wrap in foil & BBQ for 45(?) minutes (turn once). Other veggies such as cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, etc.
September -- PB&J - Peanut Butter & Jam Sandwiches
2 slices white bread; Skippy Smooth PB; raspberry/strawberry/fieldberry Smuckers jam. Spread peanut butter on one side, jam on the other. Put wet sides together & cut in half.
Technically, I'd never made a PB&J, so I'm counting this.
October -- Reuben Sandwich
2 slices of rye bread; sauerkraut; corned beef slices; Swiss cheese slices; butter.
Butter & fry 2 slices of rye bread in saucepan; heat sauerkraut & corned beef in saucepan between slices. Lay Swiss cheese on bread & put together.
November -- French Toast
4 slices of French bread; 2 eggs; 1/2 cup milk, pinch of salt, maple syrup.
Whisk eggs, milk & salt. Soak bread and fry both sides in saucepan. Serve with maple syrup. Optional: cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, powdered sugar.
French Toast
December -- Monte Cristo Sandwich
2 slices French bread; 1 egg; Swiss cheese slice; sliced ham; vegetable oil.
Heat oil in saucepan; soak one side of a slice of bread in whisked egg; start to fry. Layer Swiss cheese, ham & other slice of bread (top side soaked); flip & fry.
2006
January -- Corned Beef & Swiss on Rye Sandwich
2 slices rye bread; Swiss cheese slice; corned beef slices; mustard; butter
Butter bread & spread mustard; add Swiss cheese & corned beef; cut into two.
Woohoo - I'm caught up!
February -- BLT Sandwich
2 slices bread; butter; 4 slices bacon, lettuce, 4 slices tomato
Toast the bread, butter one side each; add mayo if desired; cook bacon. Pile bacon, lettuce, tomato on buttered side of bread; top with other slice
Microwaved the bacon, didn't use mayo - turned out quite well.
March -- BBQ Chicken Breasts
Chicken breasts; Marinade: 1 cup veg oil, 1/2 cup dry white wine, 1 tsp vinegar, 1 diced garlic clove, 1/2 tsp paprika, 1/4 tsp tarragon, 2 tsp salt
Combine ingredients and marinate chicken for an hour. BBQ/grill on low/med (375-400F) for 25-30 minutes/pound. Brush with BBQ sauce before serving.
I used regular olive oil, garlic powder, BBQ sauce & Montreal marinade; I had it on for 35-40 minutes or so while waiting for the potatoes to cook. Stayed nice and moist.
April -- Fried Mushrooms
Button mushrooms - whole or cut up, butter
In frying pan, foil dish or saucepan -- heat up butter, add mushrooms and fry up. On steak or burgers.
May -- Microwave Omelet
3 eggs, 2 tbsp milk, diced tomato, diced cheddar cheese, quartered mushrooms, diced luncheon meat, salt, pepper, chipotle, tabasco
Whisk eggs and milk, put into both sides of omelet-maker and microwave for 2 minutes until egg starts to set. Add remaining ingredients and microwave another 2 minutes. Flip together and serve.
I think the second microwaving should be longer.
June -- Mediterranean French Toast
Regular French Toast ingredients except replace butter with olive oil.
Gives an interesting slant to it.
July -- Roasted Garlic
Peel 'paper' from garlic; cut off top; drizzle with EVO; wrap in foil & grill for 35-45 mins at ~425F.
Squeezed garlic paste out and spread on hamburger buns when I made hamburgers. It was good...not too garlicy.
August -- Banana Smoothie
Ice cubes, 1 cup milk, 1 tbsp choc milk powder, 1 banana
Blend.
September -- Banana/Mango Smoothie
Vanilla ice cream, milk, 1 tbsp choc milk powder, 1 banana, mango pulp
Blend.
Holy cow did peeling a mango ever take a long time. Difficult too. Then sis-in-law says "They come in cans, you know." Crap. Maybe add bluberries and/or protein powder or something...maybe rum.
October -- BBQed Corn on the Cob
Top corn on the cob with butter, salt, pepper, chipotle/chili powder, onion, garlic, oregano, etc; wrap in foil and BBQ for 20-30 mins; turning occasionally.
November -- Fluffy French Toast
Similar to regular French Toast, except with a tablespoon or two of flour (4 pieces)
It seemed a bit fluffier - I should do a head-to-head test.
December -- Chili Cheesedog
Inspired by "Corner Gas"...grilled jumbo hotdogs, heated chili, shredded cheddar on top.
2007
January -- Chili KD
Cook Kraft Dinner, heat chili from a can, mix.
Poor man's Hamburger Helper? Okay, it was pretty good - although afterwards I realized that eating the whole thing was a freakin' lot of food.
February -- Toad in a Hole
Butter both sides of bread, cut hole out with a small glass, put in frying pan, crack egg into hole.
Apparently, Toad in a Hole is traditionally some kind of meat in a Yorkshire Pudding - this is more of Eggs in a Basket.
March -- Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Butter bread on both sides, slice of cheese in the middle, slice of pickle, fry both sides on a hot frying pan.
April -- Sauteed Corn on the Cob with Chili-Lime-Cilantro Spread
2 ears, 1/4 cup sour cream, 2 tsps cilanto/coriander, 1 tsp chili powder, 1/2 tsp lime, S&P
Microwave corn for 8-10 minutes, put corn in a skillet with 1 tbsp butter and cook until golden brown.
Wasn't very good. Might be a good way to cook corn though. My corn wasn't super-fresh, but the spread was still too strong. What was nice though, is how it doesn't melt and fall off like butter-based stuff.
Corn
May -- Pancakes
Aunt Jemima's.
And not even the 'add egg' kind. As close to being ashamed with this resolution as I can be. The new frying pan that bro & sis-on-law got me rocks though.
June -- Poached Eggs
Water in a saucepan 160F-180F, add some vinegar to keep the whites together, cover for 3 minutes.
The water got so cloudy that I could barely find the eggs. It did work though. There's also various rings, bags, cups, etc that will keep the eggs together.
July -- Easy Hobo Dinner
1 hamburger patty, seasoning salt, pepper, potato in 8 pieces, 6-8 baby carrots, ¼ onion, olive oil, butter, one tbsp of beef broth. Wrap in foil and grill on med for 45 mins - 1 hour.
Worked very well, except my hamburger was too thin - which is why I think it was tough.
Hobo
August -- Seasoned Grilled Fries
Potatoes; canola oil; 6 parts ancho chili powder; 3 parts kosher salt; 2 parts ground cumin. Boil potatoes until firm; cut lengthwise into quarters; coat with oil; sprinkle with spices; broil for 3-4 minutes each side. Serve with ketchup.
Subbed regular chili powder & sea salt; added paprika. I didn't measure well...I think too much paprika. Boiled potatoes for 20 minutes, then tried grilling/broiling in my toaster oven. It took forever, so I ended up microwaving them. An okay recipe, but would've been better if I hadn't messed with the spice ratios & boiled the potatoes longer.
Fries
September -- Hot Roast Beef Sandwich
Kaiser bun; onion; roast beef slices; jack cheese; brown mustard; olive oil. Add onion and oil to saucepan & brown; heat roast beef in saucepan; flip; add slice of cheese to pile of beef; brown bun & spread mustard; pile together.
Subbed hamburger bun & regular mustard; worked very well.
Roast Beef
October -- Mexican Breakfast Scramble
1 small chopped tomato; 1 tsp oregano; 4 beaten eggs; 1/2 cup shredded sharp cheddar; 1/2 cup salsa; 3 corn tortillas cut into 1/2-inch pieces; 1 medium chopped onion; 1 chopped jalapeno pepper; 1 minced garlic clove
In a large skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add tortilla pieces and cook for 2 to 3 minutes, until they begin to get crisp, stirring occasionally. Add the onion, jalapeno pepper, and garlic, and saute for 1 to 2 minutes, or until the onion is transparent. Stir in tomato and oregano. Add the eggs and stir to scramble until eggs are set. Remove skillet from heat, add cheese, and stir until cheese is melted. Top with salsa and serve.
Had to sub chopped-up sliced cheese (regular & jack), and 2 chopped-up flour tortillas for corn ones. Whole recipe worked well, although 2 large tortillas may be a bit much.
Scramble
November -- Mexican Fried Rice
1 clove pressed garlic; 1/2 small white onion; 1 cup rice; 2 cups water; 2 tbsp hot salsa; 2 chicken bouillon cubes; salt
Heat the oil in the skillet on medium-high; add garlic, onion and rice; saute until rice is opaque white (some browning of the rice is okay). Add water, salsa and bouillon cubes; crush the cubes and stir them until they dissolve. Taste the liquid and add salt if necessary.
2 cups water to 1 cup (Minute) rice is too much water; had to simmer/reduce for a long time. Added a bit of Tabasco too. Recipe worked well though.
Mexi-Rice
December -- Garlic Sauteed Mushrooms
Mushrooms; minced garlic cloves; kosher salt; olive oil to coat bottom of pan. Optional: onions & balsamic vinegar.
Heat oil in skillet over medium heat. Add the garlic, onions, & balsamic vinegar; let it cook, for a minute, stirring occasionally. Add mushrooms and stir occasionally until they reduce in size & turn a golden brown.
It worked well - although I added butter, onion flakes, regular vinegar, and used sea salt instead. My garlic was thin-sliced, not minced - which might have made it burn and get bitter...but the mushrooms (with garlic flakes removed) tasted very good.
2008
January -- Butter & Onion Fried Perogies
Butter, olive oil, onion flakes, perogies, mushrooms - fried up in a saucepan.
Saw this on a cooking show...couldn't remember all. My onions were off, so I used onion flakes. I think I put them in early and burnt them. Should've learned from above recipe. Was still in 'fresh onion' mode - except didn't use fresh onions. I mixed mum's cheese perogies and really old & hard frozen perogies...would've been a miracle had this turned out. Had a late lunch though, so that's cool.
February -- Fried Onion Sandwhich w/o Frying
Cut up onions, put on a paper towel, & nuke them for 90 seconds. Remove the towel & let cool. Get two slices of bread - put half the onions on one slice - add a layer of cheese - the roast beef - another layer of cheese - the rest of the onions - and cap it with the other slice of bread. Nuke for 45 seconds.
Technically the onions aren't fried - they are boiled but without being boiled in water. The onion tase is preserved but the raw onion taste is gone. They have the same taste as fried onions but are more consistent and don't have the drippy fluids that you get with frying. It's a healthier sandwich with a better taste.
Was okay, but I think I'd fry the onions properly next time. Also, some garlic or something too. Still, it was very cheap & cheerful...as mum says.
Fried Onion Sandwhich w/o Frying
March -- Sloppy Joes
1/2 pound ground beef, 1/2 cup ketchup, 2 tablespoons water, 1 tablespoon brown sugar, 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce, 1 teaspoon prepared mustard, 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder, 1/4 teaspoon onion powder, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 2 hamburger buns
In a saucepan, cook beef over medium heat until no longer pink; drain. Stir in the ketchup, water, brown sugar, Worcestershire sauce, mustard, garlic powder, onion powder and salt. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 30-40 minutes. Serve on buns.
Had to use real onion, as I had no onion powder (I had onion flakes, but was feeling pretentious). Was pretty good actually. Kind of sweet. I was expecting to have to add chili powder or vinegar or something...but it's different. Just saw that I forgot to cover while simmering.
Sloppy Joes
April -- Spicy Tomato Chili Sauce
1/2 cup bottled Asian chili-garlic sauce (or sweet & sour sauce), 1 cup ketchup, 2 tbsp white wine vinegar, 1 1/2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
I just threw mine together for some beef spring rolls. It wasn't good, to say the least. However, it's because I used random amounts of everything, and substituted garlic and chili powder for chili-garlic sauce. I used way too much vinegar.
May -- Hash Browns and Garlic Mushrooms
Grate potatoes or use hashbrowns; dice onion; crack egg and whisk.
Combine potato, onion, & egg and squeeze into small patties; fry in olive oil; quarter mushrooms; dice garlic & combine in same pan with olive oil; Cook all until mushrooms are soft & hashbrowns are golden brown; add salt and pepper to taste.
Used hashbrowns; didn't form into patties - just let them set up in the pan. Turned out well. Might add grated cheese next time.
Hash Browns and Garlic Mushrooms
June -- Montreal Smoked Meat Sandwich with Caramalized Onions
Bun, Montreal smoked meat, jalapeno jack cheese, onion, salt, pepper, mustard, olive oil
Onions: Heat a little olive oil in a saucepan, cut up some onion & add to saucepan, add a pinch of salt, and stir occasionally on low heat until nice and brown...about 5 minutes. Options: pepper, sugar
Just put ingredients together like a sandwich - nuke a bit to melt cheese.
Ostensibly, this was just to learn how to caramalize onions - and it worked very nicely. Wonderful smell, colour, and taste. Didn't burn them and have to deglaze or anything.
July -- HC's Pancakes
1 cup flour; 3 tsp baking powder; 1/8 cup sugar; 1 egg; 1/3 cup oil; 1 cup milk; 1 tsp vanilla
Mix dry ingredients thoroughly. Add wet and let stand for a minute (will rise). Cook like regular pancakes.
Wow, did the batter ever rise. Then it basically solidified. I had to stir it like crazy to get it pourable. They stayed very thick and didn't cook through properly. Also, the ingredients had to be mixed more - there were dry spots. The oil I used was olive oil. Taste seemed fine, and the smell was good - but they weren't done properly, so it was hard to get a proper read. I think I'll back off of the baking powder next time. Hasn't knocked off Aunt Jemima yet. HC said I did something wrong.
August -- Arroz Con Huevos
1 cup water, 1/2 cup rice, 1/2 cup chopped tomato, 1/2 cup chopped green pepper, 1/4 cup chopped onion, 1/4 cup shredded Cheddar cheese, 4 large eggs, 1 tbsp hot sauce, 1 clove garlic - minced, 1/2 tsp salt
Bring water to boil; add rice, onion, salt; return to a boil for 1 minute; simmer 10 minutes. Stir in the green pepper and hot sauce and continue to cook for 8 minutes until the green pepper is softened. Remove from heat, stir in tomato and set aside. Poach 2 eggs. Make 2 servings of rice. Put an egg on each pile and sprinkle cheese on top. Add a couple of shakes of hot sauce onto the eggs.
I subbed whole grain Minute Rice for normal rice - it has a 5 minute cooking time and 5 minute rest time, which may affect the cook times of the onions and green peppers. I didn't have/use green peppers anyway. This worked out very well. Can't remember the last time I had rice for breakfast...maybe rice pudding as a kid.
Arroz Con Huevos
September -- Happy Together Hobo Dinner
Take a square of foil & spray with cooking spray. Place 1 patty, 1/2 cup potatoes, 1/2 cup of the carrots, 1/4 cup onion, salt, pepper, and drizzle a little Worchestershire over the top. Fold sides up over food and secure. Bake on the grill (or 400F oven) for 1 hour.
Forgot to spray foil, but nothing stuck. Used some onion flakes instead of diced onion because I'm grilling an onion seperately - see next month. Used mixed frozen veggies instead of just carrots, and hash browns for potatoes. Cooked in oven ~350F for 40 minutes (thin burgers). Worked out very well, although I would've added about 2 tbsp of Worchershire instead of 1. Needed a good shot of s&p at the end too...too bland.
Happy Together Hobo Dinner
October -- Grilled Onions
Peel onion, core the center about 1 inch down. Fill cavity with butter. Salt and pepper to taste. Wrap each onion in foil. Place on grill and cook approximately 30 minutes.
Used about half an onion; cooked for 40 minutes. Didn't turn out well, IMHO. Kind of like onion in a stew that didn't get fully cooked. I wouldn't make it again.
Grilled Onions
November -- Chicken-Hobo
Chicken breasts, potatoes, carrots, onion, bacon, butter, garlic salt.
Cook bacon until evenly brown - drain, chop coarsely, and set aside. On large squares of heavy duty aluminum foil, evenly distribute the potatoes, carrots, and onion. Arrange the chicken breasts over the vegetables, and sprinkle with the chopped bacon. Top each with 2 tablespoons butter, and season with garlic salt. Fold the foil over the ingredients, and tightly seal. Preheat an outdoor grill for medium-high heat. Place foil packets on the grill, and cook for 20 minutes, or until chicken is no longer pink and juices run clear.
I did everything I could to ruin this: I burnt the bacon, so used non-meat bacon bits, mixed veggies for carrots, hash browns for potatoes, and seasoning salt and onion flakes instead of garlic salt. Decided not to throw in a couple of cloves of garlic in the end. Put in oven on cookie tray for 35mins at 350F. Turned out awesome - would definitely make this again.
Chicken-Hobo
December -- Coney Island Hot Dog
All beef hot dog with mustard, chili, and diced onion
Was good but messy. Okay, my hot dogs are always messy. This is not a meal to have if you don't have access to good breath-scrubbing facilities though. Might also be a touch flatulence-inducing. I've also seen a couple of different CIHD recipes, like with cheese and diced pickle/relish.
Coney Island Hot Dog
2009
January -- Sausage, Egg and Cheese Breakfast Burritos
4 breakfast sausages (or spicy sausages), 4 eggs, ½ cup shredded Mexican cheese, 6 tbsp salsa, 2 tbsp milk, 2 large flour tortillas.
• Brown sausage links in a skillet; cut into half inch pieces.
• Mix milk, eggs, ¼ cup cheese, 4 tbsp salsa and sausage pieces.
• Heat on medium-low and scramble eggs until firm.
• Divide filling between tortillas; top with salsa & cheese (optional sour cream & guacomole); microwave 30 seconds.
Worked very well. Didn't have Mexican cheese, so used cheddar and a bit more salsa & Tabasco. Added sour cream. It was a lot to try to cram into each burrito. I'm saving the second one to nuke tomorrow morning.
Sausage, Egg and Cheese Breakfast Burritos
February -- Cayenne Fried Potatoes
1 can sliced white potatoes, 2 tbsp minced onion, 1 tbsp olive oil, cayenne pepper (to taste).
• Heat oil in medium skillet.
• Drain potatoes and add to skillet, along with onion.
• Season to taste with cayenne pepper.
• Stir fry until golden brown.
Substituted hash browns for canned potatoes. Worked out quite well, even though I had to add a lot of cayenne. It doesn't seem to smell/taste strong, but was when I put some on my tongue - delayed reaction. I added a bit of salt. I'd add garlic next time - maybe something else like seasoning salt.
Cayenne Fried Potatoes
March -- Breakfast in a Mug
2 tsp butter, 1 tbsp milk, 2 eggs, salt & pepper, shredded cheese.
• Place the butter in a mug and microwave for 20 seconds.
• Add the milk, eggs, salt & pepper, and whisk with a fork.
• Microwave for 30 seconds until it just begins to set, then give it a quick stir with a fork.
• Microwave for 30 seconds until almost completely set.
• Remove eggs from microwave and sprinkle with cheese. Let sit for one minute to let cheese melt.
Simple and it worked. Was kind of bland though, even though I added S&P and a shot of Tabasco. I did one of the variants where I sprayed the mug with Pam and put it in an English Muffin (like an Egg McMuffin). It was kind of thick to be doing this, but not too bad. If you're just going to put it in a muffin anyway, you might as well just use a slice of cheese instead of grating cheese.
Breakfast in a Mug
April -- Spicy Egg Sandwich
2 slices oat bran bread, 2 eggs, 4 thin slices onion, 1 tsp light fat free mayo, extra light olive oil, a few drops of chulula sauce.
• Lightly toast bread.
• Fry eggs over-hard in a tiny bit of oil.
• Spread mayo on one slice of toast; sprinkle chulula sauce on other slice.
• Place an egg on each slice of toast.
• Put onion slices on hot pan you just cooked the eggs in (don't add oil).
• Turn onions over & brown the other side.
• Place onions over one side of sandwich.
• Put sandwich together and slice in half.
Wasn't bad - I'd make it again. You'll have to ignore all the healthy hippy crap though. ie. use whatever oil & bread you have, add salt to onions when caramelizing, use more oil if you want, add s&p. I used a nice hamburger bun, EVO, & Tabasco in lieu. I'm not sure what the "4 thin slices of onion" is about - I just used one thinnish slice. Still thought the onion might overpower, but the caramelizing calmed it down.
Spicy Egg Sandwich
May -- Campfire Breakfast Sandwich
2 slices bread, 1 egg, 1 slice cheddar cheese.
• Place a Hobo Pie toaster in the hot coals of a campfire to preheat for a few minutes.
• Butter both slices of bread, then place one slice, butter-side down into the toaster.
• Crack the egg onto the bread, and break the yolk.
• Top with a slice of cheese and the second slice of bread, butter-side up.
• Close the toaster, and place into the coals of the fire. Cook for several minutes, turning frequently, until the bread has browned nicely on both sides.
I just did it in a saucepan and put a bowl upside down over top. Added a bit of s&p and Tabasco. Worked perfectly. Definitely would make this again. Could flavour/spice it in many ways.
Campfire Breakfast Sandwich
June -- Grilled Cheese Sandwiches - The Benny & Joon Way
Bread slices, cheese slices, butter
• Start a g/c sandwich the way you normally would.
• Put it on a square of tin foil & fold the rest of the foil over top (a sideways 'U' shape).
• Put iron on top on highest setting (wool or linen).
Johnny Depp didn't use tin foil, but other sites say to. It'll certainly make your iron easier to clean if you do. I think the foil slows the heating way down, or my iron has a safety temperature setting. I played with the steamer button a lot - wheeeeee! It worked okay, but took longer than the 30 seconds and didn't get toast the bread very much. Still, the cheese was melted and everything tasted good. I used cheddar & jalapeno jack cheese, a couple of pickle slices, and s&p.
Just coincidence that 'Benny & Joon' was done in June. Right now I'm way behind and it's actually April 2010. Hello Past Paul! Oooooooooo...I'm a ghost...Alouettes are going to beat the Riders in the Grey Cup on a bonehead Rider play, and the Saints are goint to beat the Colts in the Superbowl.
Grilled Cheese Sandwiches - The Benny & Joon Way
July -- Beans and Wieners
2 cans pork-n-beans, 2 to 3 cups cheese (processed makes it creamier while a cheddar or marble jack makes it richer tasting, and Swiss gives it a very zesty flavor), 1 or 2 packs of hot dogs (8 or 10 count), 1 tsp English mustard powder (optional).
• Mix the beans and cheese in a pot on the stove and cook at a medium heat stirring often.
• Once cheese has melted, add a tsp of mustard and mix.
• While the cheese/bean mixture is cooking, chop up & cook the hotdogs.
• Once hot dogs are cooked, put in with the bean/cheese mixture.
• Cook for about two more minutes.
• Serve as a main meal over toast or bread.
Reduced it to 1 small can of beans and 2 wieners. Used shredded cheddar cheese, a slice of jalapeno jack, and a toasted hot dog bun. This was super-easy, of course. It worked well.
Beans and Wieners
August -- Parmesan Rice
2 tbsp butter, 3 cups cooked rice, 1/2 oz dried mushroom blend (rehydrated & chopped), 1/4 cup frozen petite peas (defrosted), 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese.
• Melt butter in large skillet over medium heat.
• Add rice, mushrooms and peas.
• Cook until heated through (about 5 minutes).
• Add parmesan; stir until well blended.
Used whole grain Minute Rice (boiled 1-1/2 cups rice & 1-1/2 cups water first). Used 6 freshly diced mushrooms. Used mixed veggies (1/4 cup seemed like way too little until mixed in). Great recipe - especially for one sans meat. I'd certainly make this recipe again. This is 2 generous servings.
Parmesan Rice
September -- Camp Eggs
5-8 slices of sliced bread (4 servings), 8-10 eggs, bacon drippings, salt & pepper to taste
• Slice bread into 1- to 2-inch cubes & toast well in skillet using bacon drippings to brown the toast.
• Add beaten eggs and salt & pepper to taste.
• Cook until set.
I used 3 slices of bread and 3 eggs. I added garlic powder, Tabasco, and shredded cheese on top. It was just okay - kind of bland. I'd try butter instead of bacon drippings next time. It was more 'Fried Eggy' than 'French Toasty'.
Camp Eggs
October -- West Coast Burger
Onions:
• 2 medium onions, 2 tbsp canola oil, 2 tbsp mustard, pinch of salt
• Heat canola oil in a skillet on medium.
• Add onions, cook until soft & lightly caramelized (15 minutes).
• Add mustard, pinch of salt, & cook 2 minutes.
• Move onions to small bowl & set aside.
Special Sauce:
• 1/3 cup mayo, 3 tbsp ketchup, 1 tbsp mustard, 1 tbsp hot sauce, 1/2 tsp garlic powder, 1/2 tsp paprika
• Combine all ingredients & whisk until smooth.
Burgers:
• Heat canola oil in skillet on medium-high.
• Combine salt, pepper & garlic powder; season burgers.
• Cook patties in skillet for 4 minutes.
• Flip, and cook for 1 minute.
• Top patties with cheese & cook 2 minutes.
• Brush buns with melted butter and lightly toast.
• Spread each bun half with tbsp of special sauce.
• Put burgers on bun, top with caramelized onions, tomato & lettuce.
From Brian Boitano's TV show "What Would Brian Boitano Cook?" Pretty good, even though I didn't have tomatoes and lettuce at the time. A little bit of a bitter aftertaste was probably from me burning the onions.
West Coast Burger
November -- New Englander Hot Dog
Weiner, Sauerkraut, Bacon, Mustard, Sweet Relish & Raw Onion
• Cut weiner lengthwise and cook in frying pan; cook bacon.
• Put everything together in a hot dog bun.
Saw the Super Duper Weenie place on "Diners, Drive-ins, & Dives". This recipe was pretty good. I may have to bolster my recipes with just hot dogs. So easy, so easy...
New Englander
December -- Cuban-Style Burgers
2 burgers; salt & pepper; mayonnaise; pureed garlic; Dijon mustard; hamburger buns; 4 slices thinly sliced Swiss cheese; thinly sliced smoked ham; dill pickles
• Grill burgers to medium.
• Combine mayo & roasted garlic & season with salt and pepper; spread on both sides of each bun.
• Place cheese on bottom bun, burger on cheese, then top slice of ham, cheese, & pickle slices.
• Place tops on buns, wrap in foil, place on the grill.
• Using a heavy pan or a brick wrapped in foil, press down on the burgers for about 30 seconds to 1 minute. Grill for 1-2 minutes.
Substituted Jalapeno Jack cheese and cheddar cheese slices. Used regular mustard instead of Dijon (I have Dijon, I just read wrongly). Worked quite well - although squishing it made it more like a grilled cheese sandwich.
Cuban-Style Burgers
2010
January -- Barbeque Eggs
- Eggs
- Barbeque sauce
- Add 1 tbsp of BBQ sauce per egg.
- Scramble normally.
It was super-easy and a nice change to regular scrambled eggs. Might have to see if there's a difference between this and just adding BBQ sauce to finished eggs.
Barbeque Eggs
February -- Bacon Cheeseburger Rice
[Serves 4-6]
- 1 lb. ground beef
- 1 3/4 cup water
- 2/3 cup BBQ sauce
- 1 tbsp prepared mustard
- 2 tsp dried minced onion
- 1/2 tsp pepper
- 2 cups uncooked instant rice
- 1 cup shredded Cheddar
- 1/3 cup chopped dill pickles
- 5 bacon strips, cooked & crumbled
- In a large saucepan, over medium heat, cook beef until no longer pink; drain.
- Add water, BBQ sauce, mustard, onion and pepper.
- Bring to a boil, stir in the rice; sprinkle with cheese.
- Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 5 minutes.
- Sprinkle with pickles and bacon.
Okay, here's the thing...I had 2# of ground beef. What I *meant* to do was cook it all, drain it, separate 1# into Tupperware for the freezer, then continue with the recipe. Unfortunately I kept it all in the saucepan and added what amounted to half of the required other stuff. After 5 minutes, I realized my mistake and added more of the stuff. Probably some was overcooked or whatever. I finished up both of my BBQ sauce bottles and still didn't have enough, so I used ketchup and chili powder - I think it worked. Also, I put the already-cooked bacon into the microwave to crisp it up so I could chop/crumble it. Left it too long and it was smoking...had to run outside with it. I brought back in a miniscule portion that hadn't got burnt too badly. I accidentally put the bacon in and cooked it with the rest instead of sprinkling it on top though. Other than that, it went smoothly and turned out decently. I'll have to do more bacon sometime and give it a proper taste test.
Bacon Cheeseburger Rice
March -- BBQ Hot Dogs
- 4 hot dogs
- 4 hot dog buns
- 1/8 cup chopped onion
- 1/2 tbsp vegetable oil
- 1/2 cup ketchup
- 1/4 cup chopped celery
- 1 tbsp brown sugar
- 1 tbsp Worcestershire
- 1/2 tbsp vinegar
- 1/2 tablespoon prepared mustard
- 1/4 cup water
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- In a skillet, cook onion in med-hot oil.
- Stir in ketchup, celery, brown sugar, Worcestershire sauce, vinegar, mustard, water, and salt.
- Cover and simmer for 15 to 20 minutes.
- Lightly score hot dogs diagonally at 1-inch intervals.
- Add hot dogs to sauce; cover and simmer for 15 minutes.
- Toast split buns.
Mmmm...these were legit good. I didn't have celery, but all else was there. I just put them in the toasted bun and ladled some of the sauce on top. Definitely would make these guys again.
BBQ Hot Dogs
April -- Meaty Thick Man Chili
[12 servings]
- 5 pounds lean ground beef
- 2 (10-ounce) cans tomato sauce
- 1 (15-ounce) can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
- 1 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
- 1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
- 1 medium onion, chopped
- 2 cloves garlic, chopped
- 3/4 cup chili powder
- 1 cup water
- Place the ground beef in a large pot over medium-high heat.
- Stir and cook until browned. Drain off grease.
- Place the pot over medium heat, and add the onion, garlic, green pepper, red pepper and kidney beans.
- Cook and stir for a few minutes.
- Stir in the tomato sauce and water, and season with chili powder. Simmer over low heat for 40 minutes uncovered.
Didn't drain and rinse kidney beans. Substituted crushed red pepper flakes for peppers. After draining beef, put all ingredients in instead of staging it. Added some Tabasco and more chili powder. Pretty decent, but not complex heat. Maybe some chipotle peppers needed. I'll be able to have this as chili, sloppy joes, and burritos.
Meaty Thick Man Chili
May -- Chili Baked Potatoes
- 2 baker potatoes
- chili
- sour cream
- salsa
- cheddar cheese
- green onions
- Split potatoes and poke with a fork and microwave until cooked (about 12 minutes).
- Squeeze potatoes to soften the insides.
- Top with chili and garnishes.
I subbed in raw white onions in place of green onions. There wasn't much new to this, since I've already done baked potatoes and I've done chili, but sometimes recipes are just learning a new combination of flavours. This was actually pretty good - I'd certainly make it again.
Chili Baked Potatoes
June -- Hashbrowns Omelet
[4 servings]
- 4 slices bacon
- 2 cups shredded cooked potatoes
- 1/4 cup onion
- 1/4 cup chopped green pepper
- 4 eggs
- 1/4 cup milk
- 1/2 tsp salt
- pepper
- 1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
- In large skillet, cook bacon until crisp. Leave drippings in skillet; remove bacon & crumble.
- Mix potatoes, onion, & peppers - put into skillet. Cover over low heat until underside is crisp and brown.
- Blend eggs, milk, salt & pepper; pour over potatoes; top with cheese and bacon; cover; cook over low 10 minutes.
- Loosen omelet; serve in wedges.
I left out the green peppers. This worked out quite well. Can I actually make an omelet now? Wow. I topped it with salsa, which seemed to liven it up a bit. I'd make it again. Didn't even burn the bacon this time.
Hashbrowns Omelet
July -- Stove-Top Scalloped Potatoes
[Serves 2]
- 4 cups peeled diced potatoes (2 baker potatoes)
- 1/2 cup diced onion
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 1/2 cups 2% low-fat milk
- 1/2 cup shredded cheddar
- 1 dash cayenne pepper
- 1/4 cup bread or cracker crumb
- Combine potatoes with onion, salt and milk in heavy frypan.
- Simmer covered for 30 to 40 minutes or until potatoes are tender.
- Sprinkle cheese, cayenne, and crumbs over top.
- Continue cooking uncovered for 15 to 20 minutes.
Used crumbled bread. This worked out very well, except the stuff is stuck to the pan. Very filling. I also added a bit of garlic. Nuked well the next day even.
Stove-Top Scalloped Potatoes
August -- Worcestershire Sauteed Garlic Mushrooms
- 8 oz mushrooms
- 2 diced garlic cloves
- 4 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
- salt & pepper
- 3 tbsp butter
- Chop mushrooms.
- Melt butter in large frying pan on medium, add garlic & Worcestershire sauce.
- Add mushrooms & cook on low to medium for 10 – 13 minutes.
This was good, and quite different from my earlier (Dec 2007) Garlic Sauteed Mushroom recipe. I had it on my burger and the Worchestershire was definitely a different taste and smell. I added a bit of garlic too.
Worcestershire Sauteed Garlic Mushrooms
September -- Royal Red Robin Burger
- 1 hamburger
- dash seasoning salt
- dash coarse ground black pepper
- 2 slices cheese
- 1 egg, fried
- ketchup
- 1 slice bacon, cooked & cut in half
- 1 slice tomato
- lettuce
- mayonnaise
- 1 toasted bun or toast
- Cook bacon, break in half.
- Season patty w/seasoning salt & pepper and grill or pan-fry.
- Top each patty with one slice of cheese.
- Fry egg.
- Toast buns while egg is cooking.
- Assemble burger as so:
- bottom bun
- 1 slice cheese
- burger w/cheese
- fried egg
- ketchup
- bacon pieces
- tomato
- lettuce
- top bun spread w/mayo
- bottom bun
This was a nice change, burger-wise. I think I overpowered it with my garlic sauteed mushrooms - I'll try it regular style next time. Also, I replaced lettuce with pickles.
Royal Red Robin Burger
October -- Double Texas Burrito Dog
- 2 hot dogs
- burrito
- chili
- shredded cheese
- onion, diced
- corn chips, crushed
- bacon
- mustard
- Steam hot dogs and put on burrito.
- Cook bacon.
- Add chili, cheese, onion, corn chips, bacon, mustard.
- Wrap up and grill where you cooked the bacon.
From TV show "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives." My burrito wasn't big enough for my 2 hot dogs - do some measuring first. I boiled the hot dogs instead of steaming, and used crumbled Vegetable Thins instead of Corn Chips (just thought: I could've used Corn Flakes). This was good though.
Double Texas Burrito Dog
November -- Espresso Rubbed BBQ Burgers
[4 burgers]
- 1 tsp espresso powder or instant coffee powder
- 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
- 2 tbsp hickory brown sugar bbq sauce
- 4 slices Colby-Jack Cheese
- 4 hamburger buns/rolls, split
- 4 lettuce leaves
- 4 slices tomato
- Combine espresso powder and pepper; sprinkle over both sides of patties.
- Grill patties
- Brush bbq sauce over patties; place cheese over patties.
- Place buns/rolls, cut sides down, on grill for 1 minute.
The rub on the burgers was okay, but kind of tough to taste. I'll try again some time. I used pre-formed (frozen) burgers and instant coffee. I was all sciency and cut one burger in half to use the regular ketchup, mustard, relish instead of BBQ sauce - and the other half with only BBQ sauce...as I was testing the below BBQ sauce too. On the other burger I put mustard, relish, & BBQ sauce.
Espresso Rubbed BBQ Burgers
December -- Easy BBQ Sauce
- 1/2 cup of ketchup
- 2 tbsp brown sugar
- 1 tbsp red or white vinegar
- 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
- 1 tbsp lemon juice, or 1/2 tsp lemon zest
- 2 tbsp/pats of butter
- Put in a saucepan on medium-low heat.
- Stir until melted & blended.
I subbed in lime juice for lemon. I put it on the above burgers. Yep, this was good. Could easily add garlic powder or onion powder if you wanted. Probably other stuff that escapes me right now.
Easy BBQ Sauce
NOTE: Woohoo - I'm caught up! I started 2010 only caught up to March 2008...1-3/4 years behind. One of my 2010 NY's Resolutions was to be caught up. I'm feeling good about this, and will continue it for 2011.
Congrats, Paul.
Thanks Buddy!
Okay, now I just need to find people with strong stomachs...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Ho' Ho' Ho' Your Boat
Ahhh, the elegant sport of rowing. Effortlessly gliding down a beautiful smooth river or across a calm lake. The Olympics; University of Michigan Women's Rowing Team; Oxford vs Cambridge...Pip pip, tally ho, good sport, smashing job lads! Classy classy stuff:
As competitive as it is at its top level though - it's also a soothing, bonding, recreational pursuit between pals, family members, and lovers:
But where did it all start? It was a key survival skill associated with warriors and explorers. Only the toughest were able to survive some of those treks. Vikings in longboats, Romans in triremes, Voyageurs in enormous canoes, buff shirtless Polynesian men in outrigger canoes...how cool is all that? If you're an Ocean Rescue Squad, then you're cool because you're channeling that old spirit:
These men were the opposite of metrosexuals. They were tough, arrogant, confident, savages who never have even thought of shaving a single hair on their bodies. No quarter was asked, and none was given. They'd just as soon bite your head off as look at you. In short, they were as close to vicious animals in boats as was humanly possible:
But hey, they still were family men. What if you were Voyageurs working and drinking in a timber camp and your sweeties were 300 miles away? If you've had a Maudite beer (brewed by Unibroue in Quebec), you'll know the answer. You make a pact with The Devil to fly home in canoes to make it home in time for Christmas. Watch who you bring though, since one renounced the pledge mid-flight, and they all plummeted to the ground:
But that's not fair, you say, that leaves out women because they weren't in the traditional warrior-explorer roles. But wait, look at what rowing does to any girl who does it. Besides all the good general healthiness of exercise, teamwork, goal-setting, confidence-building, etc - it's a miracle-working thing. This gal used to weigh over 600 pounds, went rowing once, and now she's a lithe Terminator-through-time lioness:
Before:
After:
And anyone can do it...your vessel doesn't have to be expensive or fancy - or even non-edible:
With all the seriousness of its background, classy competitiveness nowdays, or restful recreational purposes - there couldn't possibly be any innuendo in the terms they use, right? You be the judge. Here are real rowing terms:
Gimp Seat
Sculler
Stroke
Bow ball
Cox box
Empacher Slot
German rigged
Leather
Saxboard
Skeg
Spoon blade
Stretcher
Strokeside
Hit it
Check her down
Firm up
Give her ten
Hands in
Inside Grip
Lay Hold
Paddle
10 firm
Roll it
Swing it
One foot up & out
Waist, ready, up
Body Angle
Bury the blade
Inside hand
Jumping the slide
Lay-back
Leg Drive
Pause paddling
Recovery
Release
Shooting your slide
Stroke rate
Head race
Scratch Crew
...and finally:
Men's coxless
These people are just messed up.
As competitive as it is at its top level though - it's also a soothing, bonding, recreational pursuit between pals, family members, and lovers:
But where did it all start? It was a key survival skill associated with warriors and explorers. Only the toughest were able to survive some of those treks. Vikings in longboats, Romans in triremes, Voyageurs in enormous canoes, buff shirtless Polynesian men in outrigger canoes...how cool is all that? If you're an Ocean Rescue Squad, then you're cool because you're channeling that old spirit:
These men were the opposite of metrosexuals. They were tough, arrogant, confident, savages who never have even thought of shaving a single hair on their bodies. No quarter was asked, and none was given. They'd just as soon bite your head off as look at you. In short, they were as close to vicious animals in boats as was humanly possible:
But hey, they still were family men. What if you were Voyageurs working and drinking in a timber camp and your sweeties were 300 miles away? If you've had a Maudite beer (brewed by Unibroue in Quebec), you'll know the answer. You make a pact with The Devil to fly home in canoes to make it home in time for Christmas. Watch who you bring though, since one renounced the pledge mid-flight, and they all plummeted to the ground:
But that's not fair, you say, that leaves out women because they weren't in the traditional warrior-explorer roles. But wait, look at what rowing does to any girl who does it. Besides all the good general healthiness of exercise, teamwork, goal-setting, confidence-building, etc - it's a miracle-working thing. This gal used to weigh over 600 pounds, went rowing once, and now she's a lithe Terminator-through-time lioness:
Before:
After:
And anyone can do it...your vessel doesn't have to be expensive or fancy - or even non-edible:
With all the seriousness of its background, classy competitiveness nowdays, or restful recreational purposes - there couldn't possibly be any innuendo in the terms they use, right? You be the judge. Here are real rowing terms:
Gimp Seat
Sculler
Stroke
Bow ball
Cox box
Empacher Slot
German rigged
Leather
Saxboard
Skeg
Spoon blade
Stretcher
Strokeside
Hit it
Check her down
Firm up
Give her ten
Hands in
Inside Grip
Lay Hold
Paddle
10 firm
Roll it
Swing it
One foot up & out
Waist, ready, up
Body Angle
Bury the blade
Inside hand
Jumping the slide
Lay-back
Leg Drive
Pause paddling
Recovery
Release
Shooting your slide
Stroke rate
Head race
Scratch Crew
...and finally:
Men's coxless
These people are just messed up.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Famous Last Words
Realistically, one would probably want their last words to be professing their love for their family and friends. Thankfully, some people aren't realistic enough or lucky enough to have this opportunity, and have left some very memorable parting bon mots.
My favourite tombstone is from a British boxer whose inscription reads: "You can stop counting - I'm not getting up." But I'm not really talking about wills, tombstones, or post-mortem book releases. How about one's last words in the heat of the moment as you're looking into the great void - who the heck would have the composure to be funny, salient, ironic, brave, etc?
If you have Shakespeare writing for you, then you get to have:
• To be or not to be...
-- Hamlet
• Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
-- Julius Caesar
• Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
-- Macbeth
But hey, that's not fair. That's the friggin' bard you've got helping you - we don't all get to have a Cyrano feeding us lines. If we did, and happened to be famous and in movies and such, we might get to end with:
• I knew a man once who said: 'Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.'
-- Maximus, Gladiator
• Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
-- Black Knight, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• I smell toast.
-- soldier, M*A*S*H
• You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
-- Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars
Even if you're not human, you still get cool finishing lines in movies:
• It has to end here. I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do. Here...I cannot self-terminate. You must lower me into the steel.
-- T2, Terminator 2
• I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time...like tears in rain. Time to die.
-- Batty, Bladerunner
Okay, but what if you DIDN'T have writers? Well, that's tougher. And, since your loved ones are going to try to protect your image and make your 'last words' something memorable, it'd tough to say if you actually said it. We can only go by what's attributed and if it seems consistent.
Quietly, To Their Friends and Families
• Now I have finished with all earthly business, and high time too. Yes, yes, my dear child, now comes death.
-- Franz Leher
• Beautiful.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, in reply to her husband who had asked how she felt
• Come my little one, and give me your hand.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, to his daughter
• Josephine...
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
• Oh, do not cry - be good children and we will all meet in heaven.
-- Andrew Jackson, US President
• I love you Sarah. For all eternity, I love you.
-- James Polk, US President
• Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.
-- Jesus Christ
• Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
-- Louis XIV, King of France
• Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
-- Ludwig van Beethoven
Heroic, Fighting, Disbelieving
• I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.
-- Nathan Hale
• I am still alive!
-- Gaius Caligula, Roman Emperor, stabbed to death by his own guards
• I am ready to die for my Lord, that in my blood the Church may obtain liberty and peace.
-- Thomas Becket
• Go away. I'm all right.
-- HG Wells
• I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
-- Che Guevara
• I forgive everybody. I pray that everybody may also forgive me, and my blood which is about to be shed will bring peace to Mexico. Long live Mexico! Long Live Independence!
-- Maximilian, Emperor of Mexico
• Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore
• Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well, let 'em wait. -- General Ethan Allen, in response to a doctor who said he feared the angels were waiting for him
• I've never felt better.
-- Douglas Fairbanks, Sr
• Don't worry chief, it will be all right.
-- Rudolph Valentino
• They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- General John Sedgwick
Who Could be This Damn Calm and/or Just Curious? Honestly.
• Stopped.
-- [unknown to me] doctor, monitoring his own pulse
• This is the last of Earth! I am content.
-- John Quincy Adams
• I am ready.
-- Woodrow Wilson, US President
• I am curious to see what happens in the next world to one who dies unshriven.
-- Pietro Perugino, giving his reasons for refusing to see a priest as he lay dying
• Good-bye. Why am I hemorrhaging?
-- Boris Pasternak
• It's all been very interesting.
-- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
• Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy.
-- Ethel Barrymore
• Now comes the mystery.
-- Henry Ward Beecher
• I am not the least afraid to die.
-- Charles Darwin
• I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
-- Richard Feynman
• Why not? Yeah.
-- Timothy Leary
• I die hard but am not afraid to go.
-- George Washington, US President
• Nothing, but death.
-- Jane Austen, when asked if there was anything she wanted
• Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die.
-- George Bernard Shaw, to his nurse
• I'm bored with it all.
-- Winston Churchill
Still at Work
• How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
-- PT Barnum
• I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
-- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian
• Get my swan costume ready.
-- Anna Pavlova, ballerina
• Curtain! Fast music! Light! Ready for the last finale! Great! The show looks good, the show looks good!
-- Florenz Ziegfeld
Having Second Thoughts
• I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
-- Humphrey Bogart
• Et tu, Brutus?
-- Julius Caesar, Roman Emperor, meaning “And you too, Brutus?”...shocked that his friend betrayed him
• My God. What's happened?
-- Diana Spencer, Princess of Wales
• All my possessions for a moment of time.
-- Elizabeth I, Queen of England
• Lord help my poor soul.
-- Edgar Allan Poe
• Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-- Pancho Villa
• I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
-- Leonardo da Vinci
Scared, Frustrated, Mad
• The earth is suffocating. Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.
-- Frederic Chopin
• Damn it! Don't you dare ask God to help me!
-- Joan Crawford, to her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud
• Turn up the lights, I don't want to go home in the dark.
-- O Henry
• Let's cool it, brothers...
-- Malcolm X, spoken to his assassins
• Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
-- Karl Marx
• All is lost. Monks, monks, monks!
-- Henry VIII, King of England
Just Plain Happy
• That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.
-- Lou Costello
• I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
-- Errol Flynn
• I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record.
-- Dylan Thomas
• Ah, that tastes nice. Thank you.
-- Johannes Brahms
• That was a great game of golf, fellers.
-- Bing Crosby
Ludicrously Funny or Ironic
• Am I dying, or is this my birthday?
-- Lady Nancy Astor
• I can't sleep.
-- James M Barrie
• Yes, [dying is] tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
-- Edmund Gwenn
• Too late for fruit, too soon for flowers.
-- Walter De La Mare
• I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it...died in a hotel room.
-- Eugene O'Neill
• Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
-- Oscar Wilde
I haven't really given my final words much thought. Realistically, I'd hope that it'd just be something calm and not panicky around my friends and family. If not, then I'd be happy having any of these be my last line on my 100th birthday (August 2064...you're all invited):
• Well, it's been 97 years. You know what? I'm just going to *assume* the Leafs won't win a Stanley Cup in the next 3 years...so let's toast that now.
• Okay okay, sheesh...I'm sorry I bopped your great-granddaughter.
• Today I officially lift my Flutie Curse from the Buffalo Bills - they may now resume regular play.
If I should die earlier than that, then I'd like my last words to be:
• Cool, my time machine worked. [1,000,000 BC]
• Hey, that's at least a Guinness World Record, right?
• Winter tires are for sissies.
I'll give Jack Handey the final word on this:
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Streetcar Named Disgust
It's the time of year that does it to me. It's fed by a love of things historical, a fascination for the machines of war, and winter's onset. It's triggered by Remembrance Day and probably the guilt of never having served in the armed forces or having been affected directly by war. I know I shouldn't feel guilt, but nonetheless it's still there. It makes me kind of morbid, quiet, and I think too much.
In my own tiny way I try to imagine what soldiers and civilians went through - the hell, boredom, not knowing, comraderie, surrealness, loss, gallows humour, etc. I have a pretty good imagination, yet I know I can't imagine more than a tiny portion. The parts that I do 'get' a bit are mostly from Mum and Dad, who were too young to be officially involved in the war growing up in England.
Dad and his family were bombed out of their house in the south of London (Tottenham?). Mum and her family were relatively lucky to be away from the flightpath of the bombers in a small village north of London, but were still affected by severe rationing and troop movements.
To this day, Mum is severely agitated by the sound of wartime sirens and fireworks that whistle like bombs dropping. She's owed that. I'm not sure why Dad didn't seem to be affected. I suppose a young boy simply files things as either 'adventure' or 'not adventure'.
Thanksgiving signals that the harvest is in and winter is looming. It's now time for the ironically-named Remembrance Day. I say ironically because, aside from some people wearing poppies, it largely goes unnoticed. The Halloween decorations are coming down and the Christmas ones are going up. Remembrance Day is the first holiday to get moved to Christmas to get another day around the holidays, when people want it. I defy anyone to find someone who pays homage to the veterans of wars on their extra day at Christmas. That's quite the tribute. But hey - the people now want it. I guess freedom and justice are cheaper when they're further away.
Around Remembrance Day I try to do my little bit. I buy a poppy, I read accounts and stories about the war, I go to or watch the official ceremonies, I observe silence at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, I talk to vets, and I try to point out the relevant good and bad things surrounding Remembrance Day. This blog entry, unfortunately, is about the bad...
People around me know that I sometimes obsess on things that don't seem important to anyone else. One of those things is Stella Artois beer. It wasn't memorable when I had it, but I'm sure that it's a fine beer. Certainly those Belgians know how to make beer, and those Stella Artois glasses are cool. Any beer would taste better out of those beautiful Belgian glasses. But I won't have them. I won't have anything Stella Artois.
And it's all because of one commercial. It's called "Stella Artois - Returning Heroes." It's about an injured soldier and his buddy returning home from World War 1:
• A soldier is severely injured and calls out for his buddy to help him. His buddy risks his own life to carry the injured soldier to safety.
• The injured soldier invites his saviour to his family's pub, where his father offers to pour them a couple glasses of wine. The wounded-soldier-son insists on Stella, because it's better.
• The father draws his son a Stella from the beertap. When the father goes to draw his son's saviour a Stella, he steps on the hose to make it look like the keg is done, then pours him a glass of wine instead.
Is it the a-hole thankless father's fault? Of course it is, but it's also the injured soldier's fault for not giving his buddy his Stella. In fact, that change would've made it a fantastic commercial as it would've shown the wounded soldier rising above his upbringing to do a simple decent thing for someone who saved his life. Instead, he quaffs it down in front of his 'buddy'. It's an award-winning commercial too. Just f-ing priceless.
Anyway, that's why I won't go near it. No Stella beer, no Stella glasses, no Stella coasters on the table in the bar even. Nada. And I lecture every single person I see drinking a Stella, and will continue to do so. I can provide several references to this fact. If I ever get a gift of, or win Stella stuff, I'll destroy it. I know that's petty, thankless, and immature - but I don't want any of their advertising to go through me. It's my little bit. My tiny little bit.
Here's the commercial that sickens me: Returning Heroes
No company I've worked for has taken Remembrance Day on Nov 11, and I get mad at myself in retrospect for not just taking the day off. I don't even think the stores need to shut down on Remembrance Day, but a store would have my undying frickin' loyalty if I saw this happen: A Pittance of Time video
This is my mum's grandfather in WW1 at Ypres, West Flanders, Belgium. I guess that's Flanders Fields, where the poppies blow...between the crosses, row on row. I wish I could've bought him a beer. Thank you for letting me rant once again.
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