Easter Primer

Want lots of rites, rituals & observances to keep you busy? Have you thought about Catholicism? I love details & trivia, but it's too much for me to remember. Now you can't tell the players without a program, so here's a little Easter primer for you to see how you're doing on your celebrations, mourning, and bead-gathering:



Septuagesima Sunday - Third-last Sunday before Lent.
Liturgical (Christian) year begins; not used much now.

Shrovetide - Septuagesima Sunday to Shrove Tuesday.
AKA Pre-Lenten season

Shrove Tuesday - 41 non-Sundays before Easter; start of Lent season.
Last day to flash boobies at Mardi Gras.
AKA Pancake Day, Fat Tuesday, Tuesday of Carnival

Ash Wednesday - 40th non-Sunday before Easter.
First day of actual Lent (fasting & praying).
People with a cross of ashes on their forehead today are hardcore...or they passed out against the grill of a Chevy.

Sexagesima Sunday - Sunday after Ash Wednesday.
Unfortunately it's just from the Greek word for 'sixtieth'.

Quinquagesima Sunday - 2nd Sunday after Ash Wednesday.
AKA Shrove Sunday, Esto Mihi



Palm Sunday - Sunday before Easter.
Entry of Jesus into Jerusalem in days before his Passion - the events & suffering of Jesus around his crucifixion.
AKA Passion Sunday, Palm Sunday of the Lord's Passion

Holy Wednesday - Wednesday before Easter.
AKA Spy Wednesday, Holy & Great Wednesday

Maundy Thursday - Thursday before Easter.
Last Supper of Jesus with Apostles.
Say it out loud and you'll sing Happy Days all day.
AKA Holy Thursday, Great & Holy Thursday, Thursday of Mysteries

Good Friday - Friday before Easter.
Crucifixion of Jesus.
Winner: Biggest Irony in a Holiday Name
AKA Holy Friday, Black Friday, Great Friday

Holy Saturday - Saturday before Easter.
When Jesus' body lay in the tomb.
All is lost; funeral arrangements started.

EASTER SUNDAY - 3rd day after crucifixion.
The big miracle: Jesus resurrected from the dead!
Smaller miracle: Bunny lays 'chocolate' eggs and people eat them.
AKA Easter, Easter Day, Resurrection Day, Resurrection Sunday,
Sunday Bunny Sunday



Octave of Easter - 8 day period after Easter Sunday.

Eastertide - The 50 days from Easter Sunday to Pentecost Sunday.
Eventually inspires classic Riptide and The Screaming Mimi.
AKA the Easter Season, Paschal Time

Easter Monday - Day after Easter Sunday.
AKA Dyngus Day (seriously)

Easter Saturday - Saturday after Easter.
AKA Easter Saturday, Bright Saturday

Octave of Easter (part deux) - Sunday after Easter.
AKA Low Sunday, St Thomas Sunday, Quasimodo Sunday, Divine Mercy Sunday



Ascension Thursday - 40th day after Easter Sunday.
Jesus ascends to Heaven.
Shares in NYSE:GODX ascend similarly.

Pentecost - 50th day after Easter; 10th day after Ascension.
Descent of Holy Spirit upon disciples of Christ.
AKA Whitsun, Whitsunday, Whit Sunday, Whitsuntide, Whitonrice, Whityherzog, Whitcastleburgers, Blackholesun, Badmoonrising, Killerwhaletank



...and now you know.

I've Stretched Out More Women than Hatha Yoga

I can't remember where I got that title - from someone's internet tagline likely. I like it for the visual, the respectful nature, and the just plain classiness of it. Anyway, you're thinking, how might one combine philology with sex and yoga? Pretty much like this:

Okay smarty-pantses, which are yoga terms and which are sex positions?

First Posture of the Perfumed Garden
Winged Eros
Seesaw
Kneeling Pretzel
Frog Fashion

Rainbow Arch
Tail Of The Ostrich
Space Monkey
Three-Eyed Turtle
Italian Chandelier

Amazon
Sitting Bull
Doggy Style
Reverse Cowgirl
Reverse Warrior

Downward Facing Dog
Camel Pose
Sleeping Vishnu
Cow Stretch
Locust

Cow Face
Happy Baby
Firefly
Half Lord of the Fishes
Reclined Big Toe

King Dancer
Lizard
One-Legged King Pigeon
Corpse

Easy peasy...everything below "Reverse Cowgirl" is yoga. Now get out there and combine a few. Do some cross-training. Tell 'em Dr Paul* sent you.

Paul

* Note: "Dr" is only a legal medical title in any country that ends in "stan".

Death Before Dishonour - Nothing Before Coffee

Say what you want about CBC - but they have one heck of a coffee maker (note the guy on the stairs):

It's a coal-fired Wolf-Ferrari Cappuccino machine capable of 10,000 psi steam pressure filtered through an industrial plunger using 5 pounds of coffee for each pint of finished product. Using sea water, the resulting elixir produced from this machine has 11,256 times the amount of caffeine found in regular coffee. Originally designed by a team of out-of-work Italians in the early 1950’s, it was constructed by German industrialists hoping to establish a new market for the flagging European coal industry. Considered too big and overpowered for home use, a prototype was finally made for use in the mining industry. Finding no real use for the behemoth, it floundered in an industrial stockyard for 46 years until discovered in 1997.

Women Suck at Lego

In chatting with a gal* from Hamilton, I was reminded of a universal truth: women suck at Lego. It must be a genetic thing, because otherwise-organized, creative, intelligent women...still suck at Lego. You can just see it in their eyes: the blank stare, the hesitant picking up of random pieces out of the box, that alternating look from the piece in one hand to the piece in the other. It's embarassing - sometimes I just go:

Give me those...you've built enough plain square boxes for pete's sake. Plus, you're just going to waste that piece making a plain square box on wheels while I could use it as the nosewheel assembly for my F-117A Night Hawk Stealth Fighter over here.

That's why I always horde the 'good' pieces when I'm playing Lego with girls. You know what, I'm thinking that Danny Bonaduce could've avoided all that nonsense with that transvestite prostitute had he brought a box of Lego...

1) Oooo, nice plain square box on wheels...c'mere baby.
2) Wow, what an accurate portrayal of the laser-cannon turret from the Millenium Falcon...next!

* Don't worry...probably not a real gal.

The Oscars (Low Road Edition)

A friend of mine saw all 10 of the Oscar-nominated movies before the awards for the first time, then analyzed them on his blog. I didn't. His blog was the pun "Oh, I Wish I Were An Oscar Movie Wee-ner..." Mine wasn't that clever. His title made me think what the top 10 movies will be when they're made into porn:

The Blind Side => The Blind Side-Boob
An Education => A Beducation
Precious => Presh*ts (German porn)
Up => Schtup
The Hurt Locker => The Skirt Blocker / The Hurt C*cker

Avatar => Have-a-Scar (snuff porn?) / Have a Cigar
A Serious Man => A Seriously Hung Man
District 9 => District 69
Up in the Air => Up in the Rear / Butt Up in the Air / Up The Derriere
Inglourious Basterds => In Glouria's Back, Studs

Anywayssss...thankfully, that's all for today.