I'm Smarter than Ken Jennings

Okay...no, I'm not. Except for one little thing. But first, for those of you not in the geek loop, Ken Jennings is that super-nice guy who won on Jeopardy for 74 straight weeks. He's won more than $3,000,000 over the years.

Okay, here's the thing: on his blog he recently used the word résumés...accented just like that. Me, being the correcting type*, decided to shoot a quick email correcting him. It was polite and respectful. His reply too, was polite and respectful. Basically, he said that he'd actually never seen resumés, and had learned something. He looked it up on the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, and it showed résumés as the preferred spelling, but resumés as an alternative. And, of course, he included the link...and it was just as he'd said.

However, I'm right and Ken and the Merriam-Webster dictionary are wrong. That is, unless one pronounces it the actual French way ray-zum-ay, instead of reh-zum-ay, but no-one does. Even the dictionary's thingy where they say the word for you, pronounced it reh-zum-ay.

Why am I right? If you have a word, and you go to the trouble of putting on accents to describe the EXACT pronunciation, then it should be accurate. Or at least it should be consistent. Since the two e's are pronounced differently, they CAN'T be accented the same. The alternative is to leave off all the accents - that's accepted too. Obviously one of them HAS to either have no accent, or has a different accent. I'd even accept the mistake of accenting the wrong e, because it at least shows that you know that they're pronounced differently, but mis-remembered your grade 7 French.

Je m'appelle Jean Cluny. Et toi, comment t'appelles tu?

I'll have you know that I'm doing my best not to pester Ken. I'll also have you know that I have his personal email, that he's a gmail man, and that he puts a happy face at the end. Just knowing that I'm right should be good enough. Should be. Never is. Also, he doesn't know that replying twice to me automatically makes him one of my close personal friends and a trump card for me in 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Sigh, I just know that I'm going to reply to him with further explanation. I also know that I'll finish with something passive-aggressive like: "I don't want to take up your time, so I guess we can agree to disagree" - to make it seem like I don't want to banter, plus to get the last word in so he has to reply. Watch out Kenny...

Maybe I should, like my friend Doug, see if I can chat up NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez. He's on a BBQ website dedicated to those Big Green Egg BBQs. I'll tell him I know both Ken Jennings AND the guy who does those Wuzzles in the paper. I'll save my Wuzzle King story for a different day.

Paul
* Having lost more friends than arguments.

Sealife in Edmonton

Like Mr T, I pity the fool who doesn't live in a place with 4 proper seasons. Actually I don't, but I don't mind winter either - it's kind of a resetting time. Plus, I feel that people band together when the weather's bad - kind of like those annoying stories of how New Yorkers miraculously get along while huddling together in covered doorways during a sudden downpour. New York rant aside, if you don't have real weather, then you'll miss something strangely interesting.

I live close to Whyte Ave, but once I swore that I heard whales. You know, that deep sorrowful whalesong moaning that they communicate with. Anyway, it took me a couple of minutes to full realize that I wasn't dreaming and to figure out what the heck it was. It was the sound that the blades of the graders made going down the road. Not just the regular grinding - but at the right speed and pressure, they resonate and echo like a large musical instrument. The blade is essentially being drawn like a bow across a violin string. You might not have the right grader conditions/operator, but if you do...close your eyes and listen. Cool, eh?

Lame non-winter-related sealife observation: When I was cleaning a glass, my fingers made sounds like a seal barking.

Lame winter-related sealife observation: If you stare at the whale picture long enough, it looks like it should have arms.

Wolf Moon

Last month I heard the term "Wolf Moon" for the first time. No doubt it's needlessly dramatic, but I had to look it up and now I'm wondering what other Moon names are out there. After checking the Farmer's Almanac...here they be:

• Blue Moon - the second of two full Moons in the same month. Happens every 2 1/2 years.
• Crescent Moon - when the bright part is less than a semi-circle and gives the Moon the appearance of "horns".
• Gibbous Moon - opposite of Crescent Moon, when the bright part is greater than a semi-circle but less than a circle.

• Wolf Moon - January. Amid the cold and deep snows of midwinter, the wolf packs howled hungrily outside Indian villages.
• Snow Moon - February. Heaviest snow usually falls during this month. AKA Hunger Moon.
• Worm Moon - March. Earthworms appear, heralding the return of the robins. AKA Crow Moon, Crust Moon, Sap Moon, Lenten Moon.
• Pink Moon - April. From the herb moss pink, one of the earliest flowers. AKA Sprouting Grass Moon, Egg Moon, Fish Moon.
• Flower Moon - May. AKA Corn Planting Moon, Milk Moon.
• Strawberry Moon - June. After the short season for harvesting strawberries. AKA Rose Moon.

• Buck Moon - July. When the new antlers of buck deer appear. AKA: Thunder Moon, Hay Moon.
• Sturgeon Moon - August. Sturgeon were most readily caught then. AKA Red Moon, Green Corn Moon, Grain Moon.
• Corn Moon - September. When corn was supposed to be harvested.
• Harvest Moon - October. Full Moon closest to the autumn equinox.
• Beaver Moon - November. Time to set beaver traps before the swamps froze. AKA Frosty Moon.
• Cold Moon or Long Nights Moon - December. During this month the winter cold fastens its grip.

Now you know...use this information wisely. And if you want to dress up like Maddy Hayes and croon Blue Moon, that's cool with me.

Cell Phoney Cost

There are many reasons why I'm not rich. Firstly, I give away all my great ideas for free. Secondly, I falsely think that all my ideas are great and wealth-worthy. [3rd to 78th reasons deleted] Anyway, here's my latest genius-y idea regarding cell phones:


Okay, here are some BASIC FACTS that you'll need:

1) Cell phones are a great idea.
2) Texting is a great idea.
3) Cell phone companies are either: colluding to screw you, or they don't want to truly win the cell phone war.
4) Talking costs them a lot, but isn't charged out as a lot.
5) Texting costs them a pittance, but is charged out at an obscene profit.


All cell phone companies basically have the same plan of charging what the sheep (mainly texters) will bear, while offering a combo of area coverage, data storage, phone calls, internet, and texting. It's not exactly an essential service, so charge whatever. What I'd like to see is a Bill Gates or a Richard Branson get involved. You know, someone who REALLY wants to win and will take risks and think outside the box to do it. "But Paul," you say, "they're gosh darn doing their best...they've cut staff, made more commercials with ambiguous graphics and animals, and made a cell phone an apparent necessity." True, but follow me to the next paragraph anyway...


Here's the deal: Back up in point 2, I said that texting is a great idea. It is - it's a quickie communication that can be non-invasive and efficient. It's mostly irrationally used though, and that's why you pay through the nose for it, but that's a different rant. A maximum of 160 bytes of data, delivered with low priority, should be the cheapest thing in the world of cell telephony. Indeed it is - about 0.3 cents/message - for the cell phone companies anyway.

[geek]
The message is actually piggybacked onto the info going down the lines that the cell towers need to communicate with each other - that's why it's a max of 160 characters. Clever, and virtually free.
[/geek]

That's in the vicinity of a 6000% profit margin!!! That's cool. Attaboy/attagirl, Go Go Gadget Profit, etc. But what if you're a company and want to WIN the cell phone wars - or at least deal a body-blow, grab a huge chunk of market share, get famous/infamous, and force everyone to follow your lead? Then follow my plan:

i) Offer a price that starts off on the higher end.
ii) Force people to buy their phones through you.
iii) Offer DISCOUNTS FOR TEXTING!!!
iv) Advertise/market your plan with things like:
- "Those other guys are screwing you big time - here's how." I'll let you picture how to integrate your cell phone marketing animals into the screwing-you portion. You sicko.
- Use meaningless, jingoistic, emotional phrases like: "Right To Text", "Freedom To Text", "Liberty Texting", etc.
- Use those TV commercial cheque-cashing bimbos and himbos to introduce idiotic phrases ("It's like 3 bucks on a hun") into the cell phone lexicon. You know, something like: "They're PAYING ME to text my friends!" or "Texting bought me this beer!"
- Offer to have a portion of your Text Savings go to charity.


Here's why this would work:

- People would FEEL like they're smarter, dealing with your honest product.
- People WOULD be smarter, saving money by dealing with your honest product.
- You'd appeal to peoples' IRRATIONAL behaviour.
- You'd appeal to peoples' RATIONAL behaviour.
- You'd appeal to peoples' GIVING nature.
- Money would go to CHARITY.
- People would text more, thus wearing out the phones that you fix/repair for them at a cost - making you more MONEY.
- Your COSTS would go down, as people would use expensive-to-deliver talking less, and cheap-to-deliver texting more.


All I ask from you, the budding or established cell phone company, is that you offer me one or more of the following:

- CASH.
- An ongoing PERCENTAGE of your [new profit - old profit].
- A one-time or ongoing influx of money into a CHARITY of my/your/our choosing.
- Just a touch of CREDIT somewhere...even on Wikipedia.
- An honorary DOCTORATE in Business Communications.
- A KNIGHTHOOD or lordship.


Now I'll leave it up to you Mr/Mrs Rogers, Telus, Virgin, Koodo, etc.


Thank you,

Lord Sir Paul of Edmonton, PhD
Naive Business Guy